When someone experiences a loss, a good way to show support is to send a condolence note. It’s a relatively low effort and low cost way of showing someone that you care and acknowledging the loss they’ve experienced. But writing condolence notes isn’t something most of us do on a regular basis - maybe some are totally new to it - and it can be challenging to know what to say or where to begin. So, here are some tips to get you started. Feel free to comment for any I missed!
1. Don’t hesitate.
There’s a common misconception that sending a card will be intrusive or will just make the recipient sadder. I’ve even heard people say, “I don’t know her that well, would it be weird if I sent her a card?” The answer is no. When I lost my dad, I received notes from two high school classmates I barely knew - they were in other friend groups, and it had been a year since we’d graduated. I still remember those notes vividly, and I felt a huge sense of comfort from them. They were some of the only notes I received from people my age, including friends. It feels good, not weird, to be acknowledged when something big happens in your life; it’s weirder when people don’t acknowledge it. And trust me - any sadness the recipient feels isn’t brought on by your letter, it’s just there, a natural part of the grieving process. So don’t worry. And even if you do feel a little weird, just remember that the momentary discomfort you feel in writing will yield something that could be meaningful to the recipient for the rest of their life.
2. The format isn’t that important*.
A plain card is fine, as is a card from the condolence section of the drugstore (just make sure you pre-read any quotes or words on the front or interior before you buy just in case there are sentiments you don’t agree with). My go-to is usually a standard card with a minimally patterned front (nothing too bright or “fun”) and a blank interior, which allows enough space for several lines of text in my own words. In the digital age, e-cards and email are also good options. This also works as a fallback if you don’t have a way to get their mailing address (it’s best not to ask them directly for their email or mailing address - instead, check with others who know them; this will be the easiest way not to pile on additional tasks). My personal preference is always a tangible card because it lasts longer, but a well crafted email can be nice too.
* Except texts. I say, avoid texts.
3. Some clichés are okay.
If creative writing isn’t your forte, phrases like “I’m sorry for your loss” and “You’re in my thoughts” are totally acceptable. They’re short and sweet and convey your support. You can also say things like “I’m here for you” especially if you can provide them help in the future, whether it’s a coffee chat or an errand, etc (see more below). But I recommend avoiding phrases like “we’re never given more than we can handle” or “You’ll get through this” or even “You’re strong” because while the intent of these messages may be to lift up your bereaved friend, they dismiss the heaviness of the current moment. Saying this to someone who’s just experienced a loss can minimize their experience and feel more like you’re saying “get over it.” If you feel that these sentiments are important to share, save them for a later time when emotions aren’t as raw and they could be reassuring.
4. When in doubt, make it about them.
Sometimes it can be tempting, especially if you’ve experienced loss, to go beyond the typical condolence phrases and try to relate to the grieving person through your now-shared experience. You may want to offer a perspective or advice based on that, but tread lightly. Sometimes sharing about your own experience can make it more about you than them. The best way to determine which side of that line you might be on is to ask yourself what your intention is - if it's to say "Hey I've been through that too" or "I know how you feel", steer clear - those are about you. If you say, "Losing a sibling is like losing a part of you, and I'm deeply sorry that you're going through that." That provides a nod to your experience but doesn't under
If you don't have personal experience with loss that can be applied here, that's okay. Maybe you have a memory or anecdote you can include about the person they’ve lost. Some of the letters I cherished after my dad died were those with personal stories from friends and colleagues. They felt like little windows into his past, each revealing another side of him I didn't know. If you never met the person your friend has lost, you could say something like “I remember the story you told me about the time your mom took you out of school for ice cream. She must have been a very special person to you.”
5. Be specific.
When it comes to saying things like "I'm here for you" or "I'm around if you need anything" it's better to be more specific. How would you plan to be there for that person? Are you willing to run errands? Are you available to be a listener when they need someone to talk to? Including an example can be helpful and takes some of the burden off of them. When someone is in the midst of grieving, it can be an overwhelming time. Especially if the loss was someone close to them, there are often a lot of logistics to sort through. Offering to take a task or two off that list or finding tasks that can ease their everyday will help alleviate the overwhelm. Some examples include: dropping off a meal or snacks for them on their schedule (ideally a few weeks after the initial spike of meals others bring), helping with errands like dry-cleaning or (if you know them well enough) childcare or walking their dog, and offering to pick up coffee from their favorite spot and go for a walk on their schedule. And of course, offering these things is not required for a good condolence note. They require some commitment, so don't offer if you don't actually mean it.
There are plenty more ways to write a good condolence note. Comment below if you have other advice and tips!