5 ways to help your grieving loved one

Photo: Joanna Kosinska

When a loved one or friend experiences a loss, it’s natural to want to be there for them. Often, people reach out and say “let me know how I can help.” This is thoughtful in theory but can leave the burden on the bereaved person to reach out when they are already feeling overwhelmed. A better way to be supportive is to take action or provide options your friend can choose from. Here are five concrete ideas for ways you can help a loved one in the middle of grief.

1. Organize a meal train.
A common practice when someone is grieving is for people to bring food to that person’s home. Unfortunately, people often end up bringing food at the same time early on, leading to multiple meals that need to be refrigerated or frozen (or worst case if there’s no storage, thrown out). Meal trains are a great way to help organize meal delivery so that early barrage of food drop-offs is avoided. Mealtrain.com is a website that helps streamline the process online. It allows the recipient to provide information about approved drop-off days, food preferences, and interaction preferences (if, for example, they prefer not to chat at drop-off). When people sign up to participate using the link, they can also see what others are bringing, which can prevent an over-abundance of one food category. Tell your loved one that you plan to set up a meal train, ask them for any of their preferences, and do the rest of the coordinating yourself.

2. Organize thank yous.
With meal trains, flowers, cards, and contributions also comes a long list of people to thank. Helping your loved one keep track of the list of gifts from others will alleviate a significant mental burden and make things easier when they have to write thank-you cards in the future. You could also provide them with stationery to reduce the need to go out and shop for cards. You may even offer to help address the cards before they’re sent.

3. Drop off essentials.
One of the last things someone wants to deal with when they’re grieving is having to run out for paper towels, dish soap, or miscellaneous grocery items. Ask them what they need from the store and drop off your delivery at their home. Plan on a no-contact drop-off for the least amount of interruption. It doesn’t hurt to also include a surprise care item or two—like a card and their favorite comfort snack.

4. Volunteer your time.
In the immediate aftermath of a loss, there can be several logistics to iron out. Some examples include coordinating with family members, writing an obituary, and picking up flowers or refreshments for a memorial service. Volunteer a window of time to help unburden your loved one from some of these tasks. Give them a specific time window you’re available (e.g. I’m free all day Sunday—what memorial planning tasks can I take off your hands?) so they don’t have to do much planning and they know how to best use your time.

5. Offer to do childcare or pet care.
Sometimes the most important and most challenging thing a grieving person has to do is take care of themselves. When children or pets are involved, self-care falls even lower in the priority list. Offer to provide childcare or pet care for a specific window of time (e.g. I can babysit/petsit for an afternoon this week—which day is better, Thursday or Wednesday?). Encourage your loved one to use the time to take care of themselves somehow—maybe a haircut or a nap or a walk. Bonus: if you’re sitting in their home, bring them their favorite coffee drink when you arrive and consider doing some cleaning/tidying during your stay so they can come home to a cleaner house.

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At the end of the day, your loved one will be grateful for your support. Sometimes just knowing that you’re available really is enough - but doing something to help them is even better.

What have you done for friends - or loved that friends did to support you?

Emptying a Loved One’s Home: What You Need to Know

Photo: Brian Wangenheim

GUEST POST

The following article was written by Kimberly Hayes. An author bio can be found at the end of this post.

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The emotional toll of cleaning out the home of a recently passed family member or friend can be heavy, yet it is an essential part of moving forward. This guide offers you a set of strategies designed to assist you in making informed decisions and reducing stress during this challenging phase of your life. In this article, you’ll discover essential steps to help you tackle this monumental task successfully.

A Guide to Informed Choices

Your first task is to sift through the belongings and determine what to keep, what to give away, and what to discard. As you work through each room, evaluate the emotional and utilitarian significance of each item.

Strategies for Stress Alleviation

Undoubtedly, sorting through a lifetime’s worth of possessions can be stressful. If making a decision about something has you feeling stressed, taking a deep breath may help you better evaluate your choices. By taking your time and employing calming techniques, you can make this process less arduous. Reach out to friends and family for moral support, or even consider hiring a professional organizer to assist you.

Preparing the House for Sale

Before selling your home, there are key steps you need to take to get it ready for the market including making any necessary updates and repairs. Prioritizing crucial home improvements can elevate the market value of the property. Simple actions like painting, addressing minor damages, and thorough cleaning can substantially enhance its attractiveness to potential buyers. Consequently, these measures boost the likelihood of securing a rapid sale at an optimal price.

The Advantages of Yard and Garage Sales

Hosting a yard or garage sale can be an effective way to get rid of items that you don’t plan to keep. Huge time savings can be realized by using free online tools to easily create posters to spread the word. Involve family and friends to assist in the organization and running of the sale, making the task less daunting.

Opting for an Estate Sale

If the property contains numerous valuable or large-scale items, an estate sale may be the way to go. Professional estate sale companies can handle all aspects, from pricing and advertising to the sale itself, ensuring that items are sold at fair market value. This route can be especially helpful for families unfamiliar with the worth of antiques or collectibles.

Consulting the Experts

Don’t overlook the importance of seeking advice from specialists. Estate liquidators, real estate brokers, and certified appraisers can offer invaluable insights into maximizing profits and ensuring legal compliance. Their expertise can save you both time and money, and provide peace of mind during an emotionally taxing period.

Going Digital with Key Records

It’s prudent to digitize essential documents like wills, financial records, and sentimental letters or photographs. Use dedicated software or secure cloud storage solutions to keep these digital copies safe and easily accessible. Not only does this make future access easier, but it also offers an extra layer of protection against accidental loss.

The Importance of a Strong Support Network

Never overlook the value of a strong network of friends and family during this challenging time. Whether it’s emotional encouragement or hands-on help with sorting and moving items, your support system can play an essential role. The emotional reassurance from loved ones is just as important as the tangible help they offer in organizing and decision-making. You can even find relief with online grief resources (like Grief Collective). Together, these elements of support can significantly lighten the emotional and logistical load of the task at hand.

Undertaking the organization and clearing of a deceased loved one’s residence is undeniably a massive emotional and logistical task. However, with thoughtful preparation, professional guidance, and a solid support network, you can accomplish this mission with resilience and grace. Prioritize your well-being, give yourself permission to take time off when necessary, and keep in mind what truly holds value as a tribute to your loved one’s legacy.

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Kimberly Hayes enjoys writing about health and wellness and created Public Health Alert to help keep the public informed about the latest developments in popular health issues and concerns.

Tips for writing a condolence note

When someone experiences a loss, a good way to show support is to send a condolence note. It’s a relatively low effort and low cost way of showing someone that you care and acknowledging the loss they’ve experienced. But writing condolence notes isn’t something most of us do on a regular basis - maybe some are totally new to it - and it can be challenging to know what to say or where to begin. So, here are some tips to get you started. Feel free to comment for any I missed!

1. Don’t hesitate.

There’s a common misconception that sending a card will be intrusive or will just make the recipient sadder. I’ve even heard people say, “I don’t know her that well, would it be weird if I sent her a card?” The answer is no. When I lost my dad, I received notes from two high school classmates I barely knew - they were in other friend groups, and it had been a year since we’d graduated. I still remember those notes vividly, and I felt a huge sense of comfort from them. They were some of the only notes I received from people my age, including friends. It feels good, not weird, to be acknowledged when something big happens in your life; it’s weirder when people don’t acknowledge it. And trust me - any sadness the recipient feels isn’t brought on by your letter, it’s just there, a natural part of the grieving process. So don’t worry. And even if you do feel a little weird, just remember that the momentary discomfort you feel in writing will yield something that could be meaningful to the recipient for the rest of their life.

2. The format isn’t that important*.

A plain card is fine, as is a card from the condolence section of the drugstore (just make sure you pre-read any quotes or words on the front or interior before you buy just in case there are sentiments you don’t agree with). My go-to is usually a standard card with a minimally patterned front (nothing too bright or “fun”) and a blank interior, which allows enough space for several lines of text in my own words. In the digital age, e-cards and email are also good options. This also works as a fallback if you don’t have a way to get their mailing address (it’s best not to ask them directly for their email or mailing address - instead, check with others who know them; this will be the easiest way not to pile on additional tasks). My personal preference is always a tangible card because it lasts longer, but a well crafted email can be nice too.

* Except texts. I say, avoid texts.

3. Some clichés are okay.

If creative writing isn’t your forte, phrases like “I’m sorry for your loss” and “You’re in my thoughts” are totally acceptable. They’re short and sweet and convey your support. You can also say things like “I’m here for you” especially if you can provide them help in the future, whether it’s a coffee chat or an errand, etc (see more below). But I recommend avoiding phrases like “we’re never given more than we can handle” or “You’ll get through this” or even “You’re strong” because while the intent of these messages may be to lift up your bereaved friend, they dismiss the heaviness of the current moment. Saying this to someone who’s just experienced a loss can minimize their experience and feel more like you’re saying “get over it.” If you feel that these sentiments are important to share, save them for a later time when emotions aren’t as raw and they could be reassuring.

4. When in doubt, make it about them.

Sometimes it can be tempting, especially if you’ve experienced loss, to go beyond the typical condolence phrases and try to relate to the grieving person through your now-shared experience. You may want to offer a perspective or advice based on that, but tread lightly. Sometimes sharing about your own experience can make it more about you than them. The best way to determine which side of that line you might be on is to ask yourself what your intention is - if it's to say "Hey I've been through that too" or "I know how you feel", steer clear - those are about you. If you say, "Losing a sibling is like losing a part of you, and I'm deeply sorry that you're going through that." That provides a nod to your experience but doesn't under

If you don't have personal experience with loss that can be applied here, that's okay. Maybe you have a memory or anecdote you can include about the person they’ve lost. Some of the letters I cherished after my dad died were those with personal stories from friends and colleagues. They felt like little windows into his past, each revealing another side of him I didn't know. If you never met the person your friend has lost, you could say something like “I remember the story you told me about the time your mom took you out of school for ice cream. She must have been a very special person to you.”

5. Be specific.

When it comes to saying things like "I'm here for you" or "I'm around if you need anything" it's better to be more specific. How would you plan to be there for that person? Are you willing to run errands? Are you available to be a listener when they need someone to talk to? Including an example can be helpful and takes some of the burden off of them. When someone is in the midst of grieving, it can be an overwhelming time. Especially if the loss was someone close to them, there are often a lot of logistics to sort through. Offering to take a task or two off that list or finding tasks that can ease their everyday will help alleviate the overwhelm. Some examples include: dropping off a meal or snacks for them on their schedule (ideally a few weeks after the initial spike of meals others bring), helping with errands like dry-cleaning or (if you know them well enough) childcare or walking their dog, and offering to pick up coffee from their favorite spot and go for a walk on their schedule. And of course, offering these things is not required for a good condolence note. They require some commitment, so don't offer if you don't actually mean it.

There are plenty more ways to write a good condolence note. Comment below if you have other advice and tips!