Photo: Joanna Kosinska
When a loved one or friend experiences a loss, it’s natural to want to be there for them. Often, people reach out and say “let me know how I can help.” This is thoughtful in theory but can leave the burden on the bereaved person to reach out when they are already feeling overwhelmed. A better way to be supportive is to take action or provide options your friend can choose from. Here are five concrete ideas for ways you can help a loved one in the middle of grief.
1. Organize a meal train.
A common practice when someone is grieving is for people to bring food to that person’s home. Unfortunately, people often end up bringing food at the same time early on, leading to multiple meals that need to be refrigerated or frozen (or worst case if there’s no storage, thrown out). Meal trains are a great way to help organize meal delivery so that early barrage of food drop-offs is avoided. Mealtrain.com is a website that helps streamline the process online. It allows the recipient to provide information about approved drop-off days, food preferences, and interaction preferences (if, for example, they prefer not to chat at drop-off). When people sign up to participate using the link, they can also see what others are bringing, which can prevent an over-abundance of one food category. Tell your loved one that you plan to set up a meal train, ask them for any of their preferences, and do the rest of the coordinating yourself.
2. Organize thank yous.
With meal trains, flowers, cards, and contributions also comes a long list of people to thank. Helping your loved one keep track of the list of gifts from others will alleviate a significant mental burden and make things easier when they have to write thank-you cards in the future. You could also provide them with stationery to reduce the need to go out and shop for cards. You may even offer to help address the cards before they’re sent.
3. Drop off essentials.
One of the last things someone wants to deal with when they’re grieving is having to run out for paper towels, dish soap, or miscellaneous grocery items. Ask them what they need from the store and drop off your delivery at their home. Plan on a no-contact drop-off for the least amount of interruption. It doesn’t hurt to also include a surprise care item or two—like a card and their favorite comfort snack.
4. Volunteer your time.
In the immediate aftermath of a loss, there can be several logistics to iron out. Some examples include coordinating with family members, writing an obituary, and picking up flowers or refreshments for a memorial service. Volunteer a window of time to help unburden your loved one from some of these tasks. Give them a specific time window you’re available (e.g. I’m free all day Sunday—what memorial planning tasks can I take off your hands?) so they don’t have to do much planning and they know how to best use your time.
5. Offer to do childcare or pet care.
Sometimes the most important and most challenging thing a grieving person has to do is take care of themselves. When children or pets are involved, self-care falls even lower in the priority list. Offer to provide childcare or pet care for a specific window of time (e.g. I can babysit/petsit for an afternoon this week—which day is better, Thursday or Wednesday?). Encourage your loved one to use the time to take care of themselves somehow—maybe a haircut or a nap or a walk. Bonus: if you’re sitting in their home, bring them their favorite coffee drink when you arrive and consider doing some cleaning/tidying during your stay so they can come home to a cleaner house.
At the end of the day, your loved one will be grateful for your support. Sometimes just knowing that you’re available really is enough - but doing something to help them is even better.
What have you done for friends - or loved that friends did to support you?