Photo: Scott Webb
Mindfulness and meditation are useful practices at any point in life, but they can be especially helpful in processing trauma of loss. To learn more about the benefits of meditation for grief, you can read this post. For some people though, the idea of meditation is off-putting. And I get it—there are lots of other reasons why meditation can feel inaccessible and scary. But I promise that for any of those reasons that it currently feels impossible, you are already 100% capable of a mindfulness practice just as you are. All you need to be able to do is breathe.
Read on for ways to overcome the biggest obstacles to getting started, and some tips for how to approach your mindfulness practice.
1. You can’t sit still. The idea of sitting somewhere, alone with your thoughts, for any period of time is at worst terrifying and at best exhausting.
Sometimes in grief we pile things onto our plates—pack our schedules, fill our every moment, numb out with food or substances—to avoid the feelings that may arise if we give them enough space. And I think that’s why it can feel scary to sit still. It certainly was for me when I was first grieving the loss of my dad. But the truth is that those feelings don’t just disappear when we try to outrun them or push them down with coping mechanisms. Instead, they can manifest in physical ailments or emotional over-reaction from the suppressed stress. In order to live freely and fully in the long term, it’s important to welcome those feelings, however difficult, and process them as they come.
If sitting isn’t your thing, that’s perfectly okay. Try a walking practice instead - this can be in your home or your neighborhood. The anxiety of quieting your mind may be challenging to overcome at first, but this is where focusing on your breath is key - any time you feel yourself getting anxious, just make a mental note of that and then refocus your attention to each inhale and exhale. Over time, it will get easier. And if other emotions come up in the process, let them release.
2. You feel like you’re going to do it wrong. When you think of meditation you think of some serenely posed yogi at the edge of the ocean, mind completely clear, at one with the universe, and that anything short of that is not meditation.
It’s no wonder people feel intimated about meditation when we have such an unrealistic image of what it looks like. Sure, there are practitioners who can zen out for hours by the ocean, but it takes them years to achieve that level of consistency. And even then, they aren’t immune to random thoughts popping up. There’s a misconception about meditation that you’re only doing it successfully when your mind is completely blank. But really, it’s more about the act of bringing awareness to your thoughts and training yourself not to immediately respond. So often in our daily lives, we have messages that we internalize (I have a headache / We’re out of milk / Oh, I need to do that tax form) and most of the time we choose to react to them (pop an Asprin / add milk to the grocery list / pull up the tax website). But we don’t necessarily think about it when we do it - it’s just mindless. What meditation teaches us is to acknowledge those thoughts without reacting.
The reason I like to think about establishing a mindfulness practice rather than a meditation practice is that meditative practices can look different for everyone, but the purpose is essentially the same: to make space for yourself in your mind (mind-full, right?). For some, a mindfulness practice means incorporating traditional meditation—sitting down, either self-guided or with guided audio (like Headspace). For others it could mean knitting or going for a walk around the block. When I’m feeling a little more restless than usual, I like to do paint-by-number. These can all be part of a mindfulness practice where you set aside time to breathe, let your thoughts come up, and show awareness without reaction.
3. You don’t have the time. Life is hectic and busy, and you couldn’t possibly devote time to a practice like that.
Now that we’ve established that you don’t have to sit for an hour in order to have a mindfulness practice, you can determine what the right amount of time is for you. A common rule of thumb for meditation is that just 5 minutes a day will yield the benefits. For your practice, in whatever form that takes for you, start out with once a week for 5 to 10 minutes, then add practice sessions gradually over time. Work your way up to once a day if you can, but know that perfection isn’t the goal. It’s all about doing your best, and any amount of mindful time you can add into your life will help. If you still find yourself saying you’re too busy, ask yourself: is this about having the time or prioritizing the time? Is this avoidant behavior? Remember that it’s difficult to sit with the feelings, but it gets easier. Start where you are. In making time to quiet the chaos, mindfulness has a way of making the rest of the time feel a little fuller.
And as always, remember to breathe.