Beautiful advice on caring for grieving friends
Photo: Allison Wopata
On a recent episode of Glennon Doyle’s podcast, We Can Do Hard Things, author and cancer survivor Kate Bowler joined to share her story and helped respond to listener questions about grief. The episode is cry-in-your-car beautiful. One listener question and Kate’s subsequent response really stood out.
The listener asked how to help someone going through an incomprehensible loss, especially when you’ve never experienced a loss of that magnitude. Kate’s answer is below.
Kate Bowler: What a thoughtful question. How can I bubble wrap somebody whose pain is unimaginable to me and I’m so scared of doing it wrong?
I mean, I feel scared of doing it wrong all the time. And yet, I know it’s only because people were willing to embarrass themselves to try. That I got the community that I needed.
And I guess, maybe the first thing to always remember is that the person who is suffering doesn’t know what they need, because their needs are going to change all the time. That it is okay to offer things that they don’t need or want and be turned down. And then try again with something else, like inviting them to things that you worry will be painful for them. You don’t know and they don’t know either. It is always good. It is always good just to offer it, but offer it lightly.
It is always good to like, food and gift cards and just a thoughtful card that says, “I’m thinking about you.” But, it’s also good. Maybe just as the friend or as the community to have a moment where you’re like, “What’s my best thing?” Am I like the firefighter friend, who’s kind of good at rushing in at first and can boss and redirect traffic? Am I actually more of the loving presence person, where I’m actually better in the long game? Where I can send… One of my favorite kinds of people, is the person that doesn’t forget. Who writes down an anniversary and then puts it in the calendar a year from now and just says, “Write a thoughtful card that says, I’m thinking of you during this hard season, sending you so much love.” And maybe, also this cheesecake gift card.
I mean, everybody has their thing. And if your thing is presence, great. Presence. If your thing is funny texts, great. But like, nobody really expects you to know what to do. Because they have no idea what they’re doing and their grief will evolve over time. But just being the person who keeps showing up and taking cues.
And if you can’t help the main person, help the helpers. Help the caregivers in their life, those people don’t get nearly enough of what they need. So you don’t have to muscle your way into the very center. You can love that second tier or that third tier. And everybody is lifted by that kind of love.
Kate Bowler is a writer and cancer surviver. She has written multiple books on grief, including Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved.