Feelings are for feeling, and other Glennon Doyle wisdom
Photo: Serge Isakhanyen
In the book Untamed, author Glennon Doyle talks about her experience with recovery from addiction. There’s a moment in the book, during her fifth meeting in early sobriety, after she had just shared with the circle that she was struggling. It’s an excerpt that’s not specifically related to loss, but it’s still so relevant to grief:
“After the meeting ended, a woman walked over and sat down next to me. She said, ‘thanks for sharing. I relate. I just want to tell you something that somebody told me in the beginning. It’s okay to feel all of the stuff you’re feeling. You’re just becoming human again. You’re not doing life wrong; you’re doing it right. If there’s any secret you’re missing, it’s that doing it right is just really hard. Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you’re doing it right, and that doing it right hurts sometimes.’
I did not know, before that woman told me, that all feelings were for feeling. I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thought that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring.”
This is what a lot of us have felt when we go through loss—that pain is for fixing. We live in a society that places a premium on happiness, so when we’re going through hard things we get a sense that our feelings are inconvenient, which makes us want to hide, deflect, and bury how we actually feel. This can make grief feel even more isolating - and can sometimes even make the grieving process much more arduous.
They say that many hands make for light work. A huge part of this is finding trusted people who you can open up to, who won’t judge or fault you for your grief. If you aren’t able to find that kind of support in your immediate circles, seeking out a grief support group in person or online can be a helpful step. You can also look into professional support in the form of a grief counselor or a therapist.
It’s important to also note that sometimes burying or deflecting those feelings is the right decision in the moment. Sometimes, we need to put our grief in a box in order to function in the world—to get out of bed or care for our children or do our jobs. In some cases, like with a traumatic loss, it can also be emotionally unsafe to confront those feelings without professional support. It’s always best to talk to a trusted medical professional about the right course of action for your individual situation. Regardless of the reason, it’s important to trust your own process and have grace for yourself and your own personal timelines.
Grief itself is not bad, as painful as it is. The tough reality is no matter how much we try to numb, deflect, hide from, or ignore pain, it will still be present underneath the deflection. If and when it’s safe for you, spending time with your grief can be a cathartic and healing experience. If you have examples to share of leaning into the hard feelings of grief, feel free to leave a comment below.