Feelings are for feeling, and other Glennon Doyle wisdom

Photo: Serge Isakhanyen

In the book Untamed, author Glennon Doyle talks about her experience with recovery from addiction. There’s a moment in the book, during her fifth meeting in early sobriety, after she had just shared with the circle that she was struggling. It’s an excerpt that’s not specifically related to loss, but it’s still so relevant to grief:

“After the meeting ended, a woman walked over and sat down next to me. She said, ‘thanks for sharing. I relate. I just want to tell you something that somebody told me in the beginning. It’s okay to feel all of the stuff you’re feeling. You’re just becoming human again. You’re not doing life wrong; you’re doing it right. If there’s any secret you’re missing, it’s that doing it right is just really hard. Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you’re doing it right, and that doing it right hurts sometimes.’

I did not know, before that woman told me, that all feelings were for feeling. I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thought that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring.”

This is what a lot of us have felt when we go through loss—that pain is for fixing. We live in a society that places a premium on happiness, so when we’re going through hard things we get a sense that our feelings are inconvenient, which makes us want to hide, deflect, and bury how we actually feel. This can make grief feel even more isolating - and can sometimes even make the grieving process much more arduous.

They say that many hands make for light work. A huge part of this is finding trusted people who you can open up to, who won’t judge or fault you for your grief. If you aren’t able to find that kind of support in your immediate circles, seeking out a grief support group in person or online can be a helpful step. You can also look into professional support in the form of a grief counselor or a therapist.

It’s important to also note that sometimes burying or deflecting those feelings is the right decision in the moment. Sometimes, we need to put our grief in a box in order to function in the world—to get out of bed or care for our children or do our jobs. In some cases, like with a traumatic loss, it can also be emotionally unsafe to confront those feelings without professional support. It’s always best to talk to a trusted medical professional about the right course of action for your individual situation. Regardless of the reason, it’s important to trust your own process and have grace for yourself and your own personal timelines.

Grief itself is not bad, as painful as it is. The tough reality is no matter how much we try to numb, deflect, hide from, or ignore pain, it will still be present underneath the deflection. If and when it’s safe for you, spending time with your grief can be a cathartic and healing experience. If you have examples to share of leaning into the hard feelings of grief, feel free to leave a comment below.

5 Books on Grief

Photo: MJ Franklin / Mashable

Reading can be a helpful way to process grief, whether it’s through narratives of others who’ve gone through something similar or how-to’s that unpack all the big feelings of grief.

Here are five books that may help in your grief. What books have helped you process? Let me know in the comments below.

1. Tiny Beautiful Things

By Cheryl Strayed, On Amazon

I’ve mentioned this one before in my Personal Story post, but this book has by far had the greatest impact on my understanding of grief. It’s a collection of advice columns written by Cheryl Strayed who, at the time, went by the alias Sugar. Her advice is poignant, at times even poetic. She’s firm without being harsh, each response crafted with empathy and wisdom from her years of experience dealing with grief and trauma. Just know that not every column is about grief, but the ones that are have incredible insight. I recommend starting with The Black Arc of It, The Obliterated Place, and Tiny Beautiful Things.

2. Modern Loss

By Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner, On Amazon

I had the privilege of hearing these two wonderful authors speak at an event in Seattle years back. Each of them had lost parents, and the experiences they shared were sad and beautiful and at times even funny. This book, as filled with personality as the authors themselves, features little illustrations and hard truths and written contributions from guests to show a wide array of experiences. Consider this your beginner’s guide to grief.

3. It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too)

By Nora McInerny Purmort, On Amazon

The book description puts it best when it says “This book is for people who have been through some shit.” In her book, Nora (who is from my hometown) talks about her experience losing her husband Aaron to brain cancer after only having a few years together, and how they found joy even in the depths of their grief. Aaron was a well-known designer in the Minneapolis community and was only 35 when he died, leaving behind a memorable obituary that was a testament to his personality, as well as a legacy that Nora carries on to this day. Her book is honest and raw, but it’s also funny and conversational. A must for young widows.

4. Radical Compassion

By Tara Brach, On Amazon

Tara Brach is a clinical psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher whose work I was first introduced to on a meditation retreat. Her book “Radical Acceptance” is a great read for anyone interested in learning about mindfulness and self-acceptance, and her long awaited follow-up, Radical Compassion, applies some of the same concepts to working through grief and trauma. She features her own stories and stories from her meditation students, and her writing (like her meditation audio recordings) is a mixture of calm, insightful, and loving.

5. Wild

By Cheryl Strayed, On Amazon

Okay, not to be a total fangirl here, but Wild is another wonderful book written by Cheryl Strayed. This one is an autobiographical novel about her trek on the Pacific Crest Trail in the wake of her mother’s death. It deals with themes of loss, forgiveness, and self-discovery in the midst of pain. It’s a beautiful testament to our strength and resilience, as well as the power of nature. Fair warning: it may make you want to hike the PCT.