emily wisser 2/23/24 emily wisser 2/23/24

Dan Levy on the quiet, unexpected moments of grief

Dan Levy, a writer and actor known for acting in and creating the show Schitt’s Creek, has recently shifted gears from comedy into the grief world with his creation of the movie Good Grief. He recently joined the We Can Do Hard Things podcast to share about his grief experiences and the perspectives that shaped this recent creation.

In the movie, he describes grief “like swimming in clothes and I can’t take them off,” but in the podcast he shares the surprising feeling of delayed grief after the loss of his grandmother until a quiet, poignant moment in the snow. It does a beautiful job of summarizing the unexpected feelings that come along with loss. All feelings fit.

“It’s not about resolution. It’s about loving your way through it.”

You can listen to the full episode below - the grief portion begins at 10:17.

The full transcript of the podcast episode can be found here.

emily wisser 2/13/24 emily wisser 2/13/24

The Real Stages of Grief, from McSweeny's

Creative writing piece, originally posted on McSweeny’s, February 10, 2023

Originally posted by Janine Annett on McSweeny’s, February 10, 2023

Denial

The first stage of grief is denial that calories still exist while you are grieving. Either you will have no appetite, or you will eat junk. You will want to eat fried potatoes in some form almost every day. You will eat all the food that your wonderful friends bring you. You will not step on a scale or even attempt to wear any real pants. When you finally give in and buy an air fryer for all the potatoes you want to eat, you have moved on to the “air fried” stage of denial, where you insist you’re eating healthy.

Anger

The next stage is anger that your phone keeps assuming that you want to call or text your loved one who recently died, which is obviously something you can’t do anymore—but you don’t know how to change the setting that is causing this to happen, and you don’t want to delete your loved one’s contact information in your phone. You will be tempted to throw your phone in the toilet. This will result in more anger, and the cycle begins anew.

Bargaining

During the bargaining phase, you realize you can still be on the hunt for a good deal, even when coping with a horrible situation. Did you know Costco sells caskets? Where else can you get four pounds of pretzels and a casket? Want to forgo the casket? Consider cremation. Do you know how much cremation costs? Be prepared for sticker shock. Maybe it’s time to sharpen those haggling skills.

Depression

You will get depressed over how terrible you look because no amount of eye cream, concealer, or eye drops can reduce the puffiness of your eyes. You will desperately want to get a haircut but don’t know how to face the inevitable “Did you have a good holiday season?” chitchat without blurting out, “Actually, my sister died three days before Christmas; Christmas was also my deceased father’s birthday, so it was already a difficult occasion. How was your holiday?” Then you’ll be depressed over making someone else feel depressed. Try to save face by saying, “And how about this weather!? Can you even believe the sun continues to rise each day?”

Media

During this phase of grieving, all books, movies, television shows, songs on the radio, and dog food commercials will make you cry, no matter how stupid or innocuous they may seem. You’ll be flattened by sheer exhaustion and unable to do anything but lie in bed and watch cheesy movies (all of which seem to have Hugh Grant in them for some reason) and cry for several days.

Bean

You will only want to wear clothing from L.L. Bean. You will acquire a very snuggly blanket from L.L. Bean, and you will also purchase flannel sheets because you are still spending a lot of time in bed watching Hugh Grant movies (he’s pretty delightful in Paddington 2).

Prince

You will listen to Prince on repeat, but to be honest, you sometimes do that anyway. Then you remember that your deceased loved one loved Prince too, and before you know it, you’re sobbing to “Raspberry Beret” in the middle of the supermarket. This is your new normal.

Improv

You will be desperate to do something fun and take your mind off things. This will result in an inexplicable compulsion to sign up for an improv comedy class. Yes, and your loved one is still dead, but at least you now know how to pretend to be someone who didn’t just eat two pounds of air-fried potatoes.

Acceptance

You will accept that since you had to travel at the last minute on a very crowded airplane during peak travel/cold/flu/COVID-19 season and the weather was awful, you might come down with a cold, the flu, COVID-19, or all of those things. Also, your credit card bill will be about two thousand dollars higher than you thought, even with that discount casket, but there is nothing to do but accept it and pay the bill.

emily wisser 1/3/24 emily wisser 1/3/24

Small Steps to Move Forward After Loss

The experience of losing a cherished person is profoundly difficult, and charting a course for your life in the aftermath can feel overwhelming. Moving onward doesn't mean leaving behind the memory of those you've lost. Here are some small steps to facilitate your journey of healing and help you discover a renewed sense of purpose after loss.

GUEST POST

The following article was written by Kimberly Hayes. An author bio can be found at the end of this post.

Give yourself space to mourn

Granting yourself the latitude to mourn is essential. Recognize that recovery is a lengthy journey and experiencing an array of emotions, from sorrow to frustration, is completely normal. Contrary to societal pressures to "move on," it’s crucial to give yourself time and space to grieve in a manner that is authentic to you.

Face your emotional reality

Suppressing your emotions may seem easier in the short term, but it can have long-term repercussions on your mental health. Research suggests that confronting your emotions head-on, allowing yourself to feel sadness, resentment, or bewilderment can facilitate a healthier, more holistic healing process.

Leverage your community network

During times of hardship, your friends and family can be an invaluable resource. Sharing your thoughts and emotions with them can significantly lighten your emotional load. Beyond that, your community can also provide different perspectives that might help you process your grief more thoroughly.

Craft a lasting tribute

Creating a lasting tribute for a departed loved one can offer a sense of closure and emotional relief. Options like dedicating a park bench, assembling a photo album, or hosting a memorial event can serve as enduring tokens of the joy and love that individual contributed to your life. These tangible commemorations act as perpetual reminders, helping you celebrate their life while finding peace on your own.

Create a personalized keepsake

Transforming the ashes of a departed loved one into a piece of jewelry offers a unique and tactile way to keep their memory close (EverDear is one company that offers this service). Some companies and artisans also offer the creation of blankets or stuffed animals from a loved one’s clothing. Personalized keepsakes can provide comfort and a constant reminder of the love you shared. For those interested in exploring this option, resources like everdear.co offer ideas and professional services to guide you through the process.

Bring in a furry confidant

Pets can offer emotional solace when human interaction feels too taxing. If you’re an animal lover, consider adopting a pet for emotional support. Whether it’s a dog, cat, or even a smaller animal like a guinea pig, a pet can fill your home with life and positive energy. You can find helpful pet care advice through books, websites, and pet care experts to ensure your new friend receives the best possible care. If taking on a pet full-time isn’t in the cards, many cities also offer volunteer opportunities at animal shelters.

Prioritize Holistic Wellness

Taking care of yourself may fall by the wayside during times of grief, yet it is precisely when self-care is most needed. Engage in activities that contribute to your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Whether it’s practicing mindfulness techniques, getting regular exercise, keeping a journal, or seeking counseling, self-care should be a non-negotiable part of your healing process.

Loss is one of the harshest trials in life, but the actionable steps outlined here can help guide you through the difficult terrain of grief toward deeper purpose and a renewed sense of self. Remember, each journey of recovery is as unique as the individual walking its path. You can use these tools to embark on your own journey at your own pace, while cherishing the memory of those who have passed on.

Kimberly Hayes enjoys writing about health and wellness and created Public Health Alert to help keep the public informed about the latest developments in popular health issues and concerns.

Sources: Cognitive Psychiatry of Chapel Hill, Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, Matthew Funeral Home, Pets Digest, The Birds World

emily wisser 11/20/23 emily wisser 11/20/23

What happens in the body when you're grieving?

You may have heard the phrase “the body keeps the score” before. When a person is experiencing grief, it can take more than an emotional toll—it can also put the body under stress in the short and long term.

“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score

You may have heard the phrase “the body keeps the score” before, referring to the idea that emotional pain can show up in our bodies in unexpected ways, sometimes long after the initial trauma occurred. Grief is similar. When a person is experiencing grief, it can take more than an emotional toll—it can also put the body under stress in the short and long term.

First, let’s start with why our bodies react to grief:

Increased stress hormones
Stress hormones like cortisol on their own are a normal part of life. When in balance, Cortisol helps stabilize blood sugar, manage inflammation, and regulate blood pressure, to name a few of its important jobs. But grief, like any stressful event, can lead to an increase in the production of cortisol, and this can result in changes to your body that make you tired, anxious, or sick.

Trauma
In his book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel A. Van der Kolk concluded that traumatic events imprint on people physically as well as emotionally, leading to lingering physical symptoms long after the traumatic event occurred. This conclusion is accepted by several psychologists today and can be true for loss too.

Lifestyle changes
For many people, a loss also comes with new responsibilities and stressors—financial changes, shifts in childcare or parental care, asset management, and more. These new responsibilities can not only contribute to stress (and the hormone response), they can also just mean that a grieving person has less time to try to rest or take care of themselves.

Here are some common ways the body can react to grief—and some small ways to reduce the impact:

Headaches / body aches
Everyone holds stress in their bodies differently. Some people clench their teeth, which can lead to jaw pain and headaches. Some people tense their shoulders, and others tense their hips or core. Over time, this routine clenching can lead to body aches. Headaches are also common after long bouts of crying.
Consider: staying hydrated, noticing clenching or tension in the moment and releasing with a deep breath, light stretching

Energy levels
The body's energy levels may fluctuate, with some people feeling fatigued and others experiencing restlessness or insomnia.
Consider: limiting excess caffeine, resting when you can, finding a restful activity to fall asleep (like reading a book or listening to calming music), taking a short walk if restless

Decreased immunity
The immune system can also be affected by cortisol changes. The body's ability to fight off infections and heal from injuries may be compromised during this time, so take extra care.
Consider: taking a vitamin or supplement (talk to your doctor), resting when you can

Digestion
Loss of appetite or emotional eating are very normal responses to grief. Sometimes the stress of grief can also cause digestive distress.
Consider: having easy snacks or meals on hand, trying to eat at regular times to support your energy, talking to your doctor if digestive issues are prolonged, not being hard on yourself for emotional eating—it’s normal and it’s okay

When it comes to grief, it’s normal—even inevitable—to experience physiological changes. It’s important to remember that taking care of yourself when grieving is about more than your emotions; it’s about your health overall. But don’t stress about getting rid of grief-related stress. Just take it day by day, step by step—and reach out to your community and/or health professionals if you need extra support. Your health is worth it.

Primary sources:
Cleveland Clinic | Harvard Health | Trauma body connection | Bessel A Van der Kolk

emily wisser 11/1/23 emily wisser 11/1/23

Breathwork and grief

Breathwork is a long-standing practice with ancient roots, and it’s gaining recognition in holistic healing spaces - even in addressing grief.

Breathwork is a long-standing practice with ancient roots, and it’s gaining recognition in holistic healing spaces. There are many different approaches to breathwork, but generally it involves manipulating the breath to produce a physiological response in the body, often creating a cathartic emotional release.

Most definitions of “breathwork” differentiate it from general breathing or deep breathing. Instead, it’s a type of rhythmic breathing (e.g. a quick-paced long inhale / short exhale pattern) that is typically taught or practiced in a controlled setting like a yoga studio or holistic practitioner’s office, with an emphasis on processing and releasing emotions.

How does it work?
Breathwork is often taught by an experienced practitioner in a 1:1 or class setting. Participants lie down with eyes closed, usually on a blanket or yoga mat, and begin the breathing pattern as instructed. After a while they will start to feel physical sensations in the body like tingling hands and feet. They may feel cold or feel their fingers tense up. The instructor observes the participants and may at times provide individual support like covering a participant up with a blanket if they seem cold or putting a comforting hand on their shoulder. Music is often played in the background to guide the process.

It’s common for participants to have an emotional response at least once during the breathwork session, and it can feel like purging emotions that felt “stuck” in the body. The class or session length is dependent on the instructor, but after a set amount of time participants are gently guided back to a normal breathing pattern and invited to slowly re-enter the space. Participants often state that they have a feeling of calm and clarity after a session, likely due in part to the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system.

What is the holistic interpretation?
From an alternative medicine perspective, breathwork is said to release emotional blockages by moving qi (or energy) through the body. Memories and emotions that our bodies carry can be released through this process, leaving the participant feeling calmer and lighter.

How might this practice help with grief?
Breathwork can be a supportive practice in navigating difficult, heavy emotions as a result of grief or loss. When navigating grief, our bodies store stress—often for long periods of time—and the prolonged stress or feeling of “fight or flight” can be taxing on the nervous system. A breathwork practice can help with processing some of that stress through the body. Longer term, breathwork may help alleviate “stored” feelings of stress or sadness brought on by loss. Practitioners skilled in breathwork will be able to guide participants through difficult emotions in a session, but finding someone skilled who has experience and sensitivity around grief is recommended.

Please note: This practice may also be better-suited to individuals who have not endured a traumatic loss or who have had more distance from their loss (1 year+). In general, a breathwork practice is not for everyone. If you have health issues or have dealt with significant trauma, breathwork may not be a suitable practice for you. Please contact your doctor to determine if you fit the health criteria.

Resources for learning more

Information in this post was gathered from texts and websites on breathwork and in-person workshop experience.

Disclaimer: Breathwork may not be a suitable practice for all individuals, especially those with health issues or those who have dealt with significant trauma. Grief Collective is not prescribing breathwork practice and recommends that interested readers contact their doctor to learn more about their fit for the practice.

emily wisser 10/19/23 emily wisser 10/19/23

Emptying a Loved One’s Home: What You Need to Know

The emotional toll of cleaning out the home of a recently passed family member or friend can be heavy, yet it is an essential part of moving forward.

GUEST POST

The following article was written by Kimberly Hayes. An author bio can be found at the end of this post.

The emotional toll of cleaning out the home of a recently passed family member or friend can be heavy, yet it is an essential part of moving forward. This guide offers you a set of strategies designed to assist you in making informed decisions and reducing stress during this challenging phase of your life. In this article, you’ll discover essential steps to help you tackle this monumental task successfully.

A Guide to Informed Choices

Your first task is to sift through the belongings and determine what to keep, what to give away, and what to discard. As you work through each room, evaluate the emotional and utilitarian significance of each item.

Strategies for Stress Alleviation

Undoubtedly, sorting through a lifetime’s worth of possessions can be stressful. If making a decision about something has you feeling stressed, taking a deep breath may help you better evaluate your choices. By taking your time and employing calming techniques, you can make this process less arduous. Reach out to friends and family for moral support, or even consider hiring a professional organizer to assist you.

Preparing the House for Sale

Before selling your home, there are key steps you need to take to get it ready for the market including making any necessary updates and repairs. Prioritizing crucial home improvements can elevate the market value of the property. Simple actions like painting, addressing minor damages, and thorough cleaning can substantially enhance its attractiveness to potential buyers. Consequently, these measures boost the likelihood of securing a rapid sale at an optimal price.

The Advantages of Yard and Garage Sales

Hosting a yard or garage sale can be an effective way to get rid of items that you don’t plan to keep. Huge time savings can be realized by using free online tools to easily create posters to spread the word. Involve family and friends to assist in the organization and running of the sale, making the task less daunting.

Opting for an Estate Sale

If the property contains numerous valuable or large-scale items, an estate sale may be the way to go. Professional estate sale companies can handle all aspects, from pricing and advertising to the sale itself, ensuring that items are sold at fair market value. This route can be especially helpful for families unfamiliar with the worth of antiques or collectibles.

Consulting the Experts

Don’t overlook the importance of seeking advice from specialists. Estate liquidators, real estate brokers, and certified appraisers can offer invaluable insights into maximizing profits and ensuring legal compliance. Their expertise can save you both time and money, and provide peace of mind during an emotionally taxing period.

Going Digital with Key Records

It’s prudent to digitize essential documents like wills, financial records, and sentimental letters or photographs. Use dedicated software or secure cloud storage solutions to keep these digital copies safe and easily accessible. Not only does this make future access easier, but it also offers an extra layer of protection against accidental loss.

The Importance of a Strong Support Network

Never overlook the value of a strong network of friends and family during this challenging time. Whether it’s emotional encouragement or hands-on help with sorting and moving items, your support system can play an essential role. The emotional reassurance from loved ones is just as important as the tangible help they offer in organizing and decision-making. You can even find relief with online grief resources (like Grief Collective). Together, these elements of support can significantly lighten the emotional and logistical load of the task at hand.

Undertaking the organization and clearing of a deceased loved one’s residence is undeniably a massive emotional and logistical task. However, with thoughtful preparation, professional guidance, and a solid support network, you can accomplish this mission with resilience and grace. Prioritize your well-being, give yourself permission to take time off when necessary, and keep in mind what truly holds value as a tribute to your loved one’s legacy.

Kimberly Hayes enjoys writing about health and wellness and created Public Health Alert to help keep the public informed about the latest developments in popular health issues and concerns.