The Real Stages of Grief, from McSweeny's

Credit: Francesco Cavallini

Originally posted by Janine Annett on McSweeny’s, February 10, 2023

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Denial

The first stage of grief is denial that calories still exist while you are grieving. Either you will have no appetite, or you will eat junk. You will want to eat fried potatoes in some form almost every day. You will eat all the food that your wonderful friends bring you. You will not step on a scale or even attempt to wear any real pants. When you finally give in and buy an air fryer for all the potatoes you want to eat, you have moved on to the “air fried” stage of denial, where you insist you’re eating healthy.

Anger

The next stage is anger that your phone keeps assuming that you want to call or text your loved one who recently died, which is obviously something you can’t do anymore—but you don’t know how to change the setting that is causing this to happen, and you don’t want to delete your loved one’s contact information in your phone. You will be tempted to throw your phone in the toilet. This will result in more anger, and the cycle begins anew.

Bargaining

During the bargaining phase, you realize you can still be on the hunt for a good deal, even when coping with a horrible situation. Did you know Costco sells caskets? Where else can you get four pounds of pretzels and a casket? Want to forgo the casket? Consider cremation. Do you know how much cremation costs? Be prepared for sticker shock. Maybe it’s time to sharpen those haggling skills.

Depression

You will get depressed over how terrible you look because no amount of eye cream, concealer, or eye drops can reduce the puffiness of your eyes. You will desperately want to get a haircut but don’t know how to face the inevitable “Did you have a good holiday season?” chitchat without blurting out, “Actually, my sister died three days before Christmas; Christmas was also my deceased father’s birthday, so it was already a difficult occasion. How was your holiday?” Then you’ll be depressed over making someone else feel depressed. Try to save face by saying, “And how about this weather!? Can you even believe the sun continues to rise each day?”

Media

During this phase of grieving, all books, movies, television shows, songs on the radio, and dog food commercials will make you cry, no matter how stupid or innocuous they may seem. You’ll be flattened by sheer exhaustion and unable to do anything but lie in bed and watch cheesy movies (all of which seem to have Hugh Grant in them for some reason) and cry for several days.

Bean

You will only want to wear clothing from L.L. Bean. You will acquire a very snuggly blanket from L.L. Bean, and you will also purchase flannel sheets because you are still spending a lot of time in bed watching Hugh Grant movies (he’s pretty delightful in Paddington 2).

Prince

You will listen to Prince on repeat, but to be honest, you sometimes do that anyway. Then you remember that your deceased loved one loved Prince too, and before you know it, you’re sobbing to “Raspberry Beret” in the middle of the supermarket. This is your new normal.

Improv

You will be desperate to do something fun and take your mind off things. This will result in an inexplicable compulsion to sign up for an improv comedy class. Yes, and your loved one is still dead, but at least you now know how to pretend to be someone who didn’t just eat two pounds of air-fried potatoes.

Acceptance

You will accept that since you had to travel at the last minute on a very crowded airplane during peak travel/cold/flu/COVID-19 season and the weather was awful, you might come down with a cold, the flu, COVID-19, or all of those things. Also, your credit card bill will be about two thousand dollars higher than you thought, even with that discount casket, but there is nothing to do but accept it and pay the bill.

What happens in the body when you're grieving?

Photo: @nseylubangi

“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score

You may have heard the phrase “the body keeps the score” before, referring to the idea that emotional pain can show up in our bodies in unexpected ways, sometimes long after the initial trauma occurred. Grief is similar. When a person is experiencing grief, it can take more than an emotional toll—it can also put the body under stress in the short and long term.

First, let’s start with why our bodies react to grief:

Increased stress hormones
Stress hormones like cortisol on their own are a normal part of life. When in balance, Cortisol helps stabilize blood sugar, manage inflammation, and regulate blood pressure, to name a few of its important jobs. But grief, like any stressful event, can lead to an increase in the production of cortisol, and this can result in changes to your body that make you tired, anxious, or sick.

Trauma
In his book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel A. Van der Kolk concluded that traumatic events imprint on people physically as well as emotionally, leading to lingering physical symptoms long after the traumatic event occurred. This conclusion is accepted by several psychologists today and can be true for loss too.

Lifestyle changes
For many people, a loss also comes with new responsibilities and stressors—financial changes, shifts in childcare or parental care, asset management, and more. These new responsibilities can not only contribute to stress (and the hormone response), they can also just mean that a grieving person has less time to try to rest or take care of themselves.

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Here are some common ways the body can react to grief—and some small ways to reduce the impact:

Headaches / body aches
Everyone holds stress in their bodies differently. Some people clench their teeth, which can lead to jaw pain and headaches. Some people tense their shoulders, and others tense their hips or core. Over time, this routine clenching can lead to body aches. Headaches are also common after long bouts of crying.
Consider: staying hydrated, noticing clenching or tension in the moment and releasing with a deep breath, light stretching

Energy levels
The body's energy levels may fluctuate, with some people feeling fatigued and others experiencing restlessness or insomnia.
Consider: limiting excess caffeine, resting when you can, finding a restful activity to fall asleep (like reading a book or listening to calming music), taking a short walk if restless

Decreased immunity
The immune system can also be affected by cortisol changes. The body's ability to fight off infections and heal from injuries may be compromised during this time, so take extra care.
Consider: taking a vitamin or supplement (talk to your doctor), resting when you can

Digestion
Loss of appetite or emotional eating are very normal responses to grief. Sometimes the stress of grief can also cause digestive distress.
Consider: having easy snacks or meals on hand, trying to eat at regular times to support your energy, talking to your doctor if digestive issues are prolonged, not being hard on yourself for emotional eating—it’s normal and it’s okay

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When it comes to grief, it’s normal—even inevitable—to experience physiological changes. It’s important to remember that taking care of yourself when grieving is about more than your emotions; it’s about your health overall. But don’t stress about getting rid of grief-related stress. Just take it day by day, step by step—and reach out to your community and/or health professionals if you need extra support. Your health is worth it.

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Primary sources:
Cleveland Clinic | Harvard Health | Trauma body connection | Bessel A Van der Kolk

Breathwork and grief

Photo: Daniele Levis Palusi

Breathwork is a long-standing practice with ancient roots, and it’s gaining recognition in holistic healing spaces. There are many different approaches to breathwork, but generally it involves manipulating the breath to produce a physiological response in the body, often creating a cathartic emotional release.

Most definitions of “breathwork” differentiate it from general breathing or deep breathing. Instead, it’s a type of rhythmic breathing (e.g. a quick-paced long inhale / short exhale pattern) that is typically taught or practiced in a controlled setting like a yoga studio or holistic practitioner’s office, with an emphasis on processing and releasing emotions.

How does it work?
Breathwork is often taught by an experienced practitioner in a 1:1 or class setting. Participants lie down with eyes closed, usually on a blanket or yoga mat, and begin the breathing pattern as instructed. After a while they will start to feel physical sensations in the body like tingling hands and feet. They may feel cold or feel their fingers tense up. The instructor observes the participants and may at times provide individual support like covering a participant up with a blanket if they seem cold or putting a comforting hand on their shoulder. Music is often played in the background to guide the process.

It’s common for participants to have an emotional response at least once during the breathwork session, and it can feel like purging emotions that felt “stuck” in the body. The class or session length is dependent on the instructor, but after a set amount of time participants are gently guided back to a normal breathing pattern and invited to slowly re-enter the space. Participants often state that they have a feeling of calm and clarity after a session, likely due in part to the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system.

What is the holistic interpretation?
From an alternative medicine perspective, breathwork is said to release emotional blockages by moving qi (or energy) through the body. Memories and emotions that our bodies carry can be released through this process, leaving the participant feeling calmer and lighter.

How might this practice help with grief?
Breathwork can be a supportive practice in navigating difficult, heavy emotions as a result of grief or loss. When navigating grief, our bodies store stress—often for long periods of time—and the prolonged stress or feeling of “fight or flight” can be taxing on the nervous system. A breathwork practice can help with processing some of that stress through the body. Longer term, breathwork may help alleviate “stored” feelings of stress or sadness brought on by loss. Practitioners skilled in breathwork will be able to guide participants through difficult emotions in a session, but finding someone skilled who has experience and sensitivity around grief is recommended.

Please note: This practice may also be better-suited to individuals who have not endured a traumatic loss or who have had more distance from their loss (1 year+). In general, a breathwork practice is not for everyone. If you have health issues or have dealt with significant trauma, breathwork may not be a suitable practice for you. Please contact your doctor to determine if you fit the health criteria.

Resources for learning more

• Holotropic Breathwork (book)

• The Power of Breathwork (book)

• Breathwork overview

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Information in this post was gathered from texts and websites on breathwork and in-person workshop experience.

Disclaimer: Breathwork may not be a suitable practice for all individuals, especially those with health issues or those who have dealt with significant trauma. Grief Collective is not prescribing breathwork practice and recommends that interested readers contact their doctor to learn more about their fit for the practice.