The power of rest
Especially in grief, prioritizing rest is vital to wellbeing.
Often in our busy world, there is pressure to go nonstop. We pack our schedules, we over-commit, we power through. In a culture that values productivity, taking a break can sometimes feel bad - even wrong - but the truth is that prioritizing rest is vital to our wellbeing.
Have you ever heard the phrase “rest and digest”? This phrase is used to describe the state when the parasympathetic nervous system is engaged. It’s the state when we are physically calm - our stress hormones (cortisol) are reduced, our heart rate is normal, our digestion is stabilized. It’s the opposite of the sympathetic nervous system, which we commonly know as the feeling of fight or flight, a heightened state brought on with stress. We want to spend as much time as we can in the Rest & Digest state, but it can be a challenge in our modern world. Stress can come in many different forms too - the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory includes a range of common life stressors that you might not even realize are stressful, from getting a parking ticket to getting a promotion to vacation. It’s important to acknowledge the many small stressors in our daily lives because they can all contribute to a constant underlying state of unrest.
Unsurprisingly, loss has a high stress score on the Holmes-Rahe scale. Grief not only brings about sadness but it also comes with stress. Rest can feel extra-challenging for some in grief because it’s often the time when feelings emerge, and that can feel overwhelming. We may use busyness to avoid the big feelings, but in doing so we are also avoiding an opportunity for our bodies to come down from the cortisol rush, which can leave us feeling more exhausted and emotionally bottled. This can sometimes lead to an even bigger crash later.
Of course, coping through busyness and avoidance is not altogether unhealthy. Grief is hard. Sometimes we just want to push the hard feelings away, and that’s okay. But because grief is hard, it’s important to also prioritize taking care of yourself, and rest is a critical part of that equation.
Rest can come in many forms. It can be as simple as a ten-minute break to do some deep breathing or stretching. It can be sipping coffee quietly alone or jotting a few notes in a journal. It can be taking a bath or a nap. In moments of rest, think about slowing down your breath and feeling your feet on the ground. Relax your shoulders. Put your hand on your heart and feel it beating. Even for a few moments, slow down.
You are doing the hardest work.
6 ways to practice self care
Taking care of ourselves is important, especially when we’re dealing with loss. We all have things going on in our lives, and often we don’t make our mental health a priority.
Photo: Allie Smith
Taking care of ourselves is important, especially when we’re dealing with loss. We all have things going on in our lives, and often we don’t make our mental health a priority.
We’re too busy.
We feel guilty.
We’re afraid of feeling all the things.
As much as we wish it would, pain and stress don’t just go away on their own. And when we neglect what’s going on inside, it often builds until we’ve worn ourselves down so much that we can’t function at all: suddenly we’re crying over the sink or coming down with a cold or quietly letting our bedsheets swallow us whole like water in a lake. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase You can’t pour from an empty cup. When we try to give the world all that’s expected of us but we’re in the throes of grief, sadness, anxiety, or stress, we simply can’t show up. So we have to work on filling that cup. That’s where self care comes in.
Self care comes in many forms. Some corners of the internet would have you believe that you need to buy things in order to take care of yourself, but the only thing you need to buy yourself is time. And with the beginning of a new year upon us, there’s no better time. Here are some ideas to get you started.
Take a bath. This is one of my personal favorites. It provides some time to quiet your mind and relax while also soothing your muscles, which can often bear the brunt of our stress. Sometimes I play music or a calming podcast in the background (I’m really into this one right now). If you want to get fancy, you can add some epsom salt and essential oils to the tub. A few drops of lavender or rose oil are great options for relaxation and calm.
Get outside. Fresh air can do wonders for a person. It’s easy to feel helpless when you’re stuck inside, and getting out into nature helps us remember that there’s a bigger world out there. Recently, articles have been popping up about “Forest Bathing,” which is the proven-to-be-effective idea of combining exercise and the outdoors to reduce stress and improve your overall health and wellbeing. If you don’t have access to a forest, that’s okay! Even just a 15-minute walk around the block can lower your blood pressure and provide you with mood-boosting endorphins.
Meditate. Meditation, even for 10 minutes, has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety. The idea of sitting still with your thoughts for that long might sound insurmountable when you’re really going through something, but I honestly can’t advocate for it enough (more on this topic in another post). If you’re new to meditation, don’t feel intimidated. Dan Harris, author of 10% Happier, put it best: “Meditation is not about feeling a certain way. It’s about feeling the way you feel.” And for the less confident practitioners, there are now a number of apps featuring guided meditations to help you through (Calm and Headspace are a few I like). Start with smaller increments of time—even two minutes—and work your way up to 10 or more.
Call a friend. Too often when we feel sad or anxious, we try to cope on our own. We tell ourselves that we don’t want to burden anyone. We feel like we should be able to just “handle it.” Once, when I explained to a colleague how I was feeling guilty for relying so heavily on my friends during my own time of need, she matter-of-factly said, “But they get something out of it, too. They get to be there for you.” It seemed so novel to me at the time, but it’s so true. Now, having been on the other side, I’m grateful when I feel like I’m able to offer support to friends. So go ahead—pick up the phone.
Journal. When it feels like there’s a lot going on in your mind, it can help to write it down. Journaling doesn’t have to be all Dear Diary if that’s not your thing. It can come in many forms, from list-writing to web-making to freeform narrative—choose whatever works best for you. Documenting your thoughts, including your concerns and fears, is a helpful practice to combat feelings of overwhelm. When you see everything on paper, it can help you take a step back and feel more in control. It can also help you recognize patterns and identify opportunities to make changes.
Laugh. Sometimes you might just a break from feeling your feelings, and that’s totally okay. Self care isn’t all introspection and bubble baths—it’s also about doing things that bring you joy. Laughter relieves stress, decreases stress hormones, and boosts your endorphins. So give yourself permission to find things that make you laugh, whether that’s a funny show on Netflix (I love Friends or Parks and Recreation), a comedy podcast (my go-to is Mortified, where people read their embarrassing childhood diary entries to a live audience), or an entertaining book (anything by David Sedaris makes me laugh out loud). Once you’ve found your funny material of choice, give yourself permission to really enjoy that time.
There are lots more ways to take care of yourself. How do you do self care?