Six pieces of highly autobiographical bereavement advice

Originally posted by Mae Rice on McSweeny’s, September 26, 2012

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1. What to Do When Your Mom’s Death Certificate Incorrectly Lists Her as Chicano

“My god, how embarrassing that we would mistake her for Chicano,” the lady at the funeral home will say, in a way that suggests she either hates Chicano people or thinks you do. You will want to clarify that this is not about Chicano people being famously awful, or famously immortal, but just about accurate government records. Even if you tell her you are a Chicano supremacist, though, she will keep muttering “Chicano” to herself like a remorseful house elf. Let it go.

2. How to Tell People Your Mom Died

You will sometimes want to minimize the problem by comparing it to more serious problems, as in, “She died, but at least apartheid is over.” Other times, you will want to downplay the news via hesitant questions—“I think my mom is like… dead?”—which can elicit responses such as, “Have you tried calling her cell phone?” Even when you send a group email to your closest friends, announcing her death, you might sign off with, “Thanks for your support during this shitshow,” because “shitshow” is a fun, casual word for a fun, casual death. It is better to tell people in a simple, declarative sentence, though.

3. How to Find an Outfit For Your Mom’s Service

You will buy a black sheath dress that hits above the knee, and you and your dad will wonder whether it is slutty. Your mom would know, but you are too young to have been to many funerals, and your dad only knows about fashions from the men’s department at Costco. You will call your friend Alice for a second opinion, which is actually a first opinion because you and your dad shared the non-opinion of “huh.” You will eventually return the sheath, to be safe; ideally, you will replace it with a knee-length skirt.

At your mom’s service, a single-file line of people will hug you and whisper, “I’m sorry for your loss,” until you reach Alice’s mom. She will instead whisper, “You don’t look slutty at all!” Although you are at a memorial service, you should feel free to high-five her. She is awesome.

4. What to Do With Your Mom’s Ceramic Birds

Loving your mom and loving the tiny ceramic birds she ordered online from her hospital bed are two separate things. This is especially true of the last one she ordered, which will arrive in the mail after her death. It will be roughly the size of a golf ball, and it will be glued to a hairclip.

Do not incorporate the surprisingly heavy bird into your only hairstyle (a look somewhere in between “bedhead” and “meth user”). You can just give the bird to your friend’s dog with bangs. It will look very festive on the dog.

5. What to Do When You Want to Play the Dead Mom Card

Don’t. Playing the dead mom card to win an argument—unless the argument is about what your mom has been up to lately—is like playing the Hitler card. There is always a gentler way. When you want to say “omelets were Hitler’s favorite food,” or “my mom liked omelets, and then she died,” just say what you mean. You don’t want an omelet.

6. What to Do When It is Mother’s Day

You will worry that people will approach you on the street—because you are not with your mom or on the phone saying, "You are my mom!”—to heckle you. “No mom today, huh?” and “What day do you think it is, Labor Day?” and “Cat got your mom?” are all questions you will have nightmares about. Luckily, people never say these things. You can go outside on Mother’s Day. It will be fine.

3 Therapy Apps

Photo: Birxi

Individual therapy can be a really helpful tool during the grief process. Having an objective and professional point of view can provide perspective while sorting through all the different feelings that come along with grief. Thanks to advances in technology, therapy is a lot more accessible these days, so if you can’t get to an in-person therapist or if you prefer connecting with one remotely, there are options. We’ve rounded up a few of the top therapy apps and their costs below. If you’ve tried any of the apps or if you have other favorites, feel free to respond in the comments.

Please note that therapists are generally not able to diagnose or prescribe over the platform.

Talkspace
Talkspace has a variety of different plans available based on the type of therapy you’re looking for. There are options for live video therapy, text messaging with your therapist, and audio. You get to choose your therapist from a hand-narrowed list, all with the highest clinical license in their state of practice, plus 3+ years of clinical experience. The cost ranges from $65-$99 a week, billed monthly (depending on the plan you choose). Talkspace is in network through EAP and health insurers, so be sure to check with your insurance company to see if you’re covered or if your employer offers the platform as an employee benefit.

BetterHelp
On BetterHelp, users are matched with an experienced therapist (3+ years) after taking a questionnaire, and you can do live video sessions, phone sessions, texting, or live chats with the assigned counselor. Users can choose to remain anonymous if they prefer to preserve their privacy. BetterHelp does not work with insurance companies or employers, but there are flexible cost packages ranging from $40-$70 billed weekly, and you can cancel your payment at any time.

Larkr
Larkr offers video talk therapy. The app matches you with a therapist based on the info you provide, but you can choose whichever time zone works best for your schedule. In between video sessions you can contact your therapist in the app, and there are also other individual tools for mood tracking and journaling. The cost is $85 a session, no subscription or commitment. For cooperating insurance, you can submit to your insurance company for reimbursement.

Anxiety, another stage of grief

Photo: @thetonik_co

People are generally familiar with the idea that grief brings about sadness, sometimes anger. Anxiety has often been referred to as the other stage of grief because it’s not part of “the big five” but it’s not uncommon for loss to bring up this feeling. Claire Bidwell even wrote a book on it. For some, because anxiety isn’t always talked about alongside grief, experiencing it for the first time feels unexpected and confusing.

There are many reasons why people might feel anxious after a loss—financial strain, changes in relationships and living arrangements, the added stress of having to handle someone’s affairs or estate. Loss also shines a light on the impermanence of life, and that can turn into fear.

Here are a few ways to deal with anxiety, if you find yourself in this position.

Familiarize yourself

Sometimes being unable to label or understand a feeling, especially one like anxiety, can intensify it. Read about anxiety and panic attacks and learn about the physiological and mental symptoms so you can recognize when it’s happening. Learn about what anxiety feels like in your body and mind so that when you experience it, you can name it.

Notice triggers

Once you’re able to start identifying the anxiety, pay attention to when you’re feeling it more often. See if there are patterns. Do you start to feel more panicked when you’re behind the wheel? About to go to sleep? If you can identify times of day or situations where your anxiety peaks, this can help you prepare for it.

Breathe

The number one way to help manage anxiety is to breathe. Taking deep breaths, especially all the way into the diaphragm (known as deep belly breathing) can relax your parasympathetic nervous system and let your body and brain know that you’re not in danger. Read more about deep belly breathing in this post.

Think of your feet

Another way to manage anxiety in the moment is to ask yourself where your feet are. This technique helps you become present in the moment and can help take your mind off of the fear and panic. Anxiety can sometimes be a feeling in the mind, like a runaway train. Reminding yourself where your feet are can bring you back into your body and ground you in the now.

Talk to a professional

You don’t have to suffer alone. If you’re experiencing anxiety in your life, talk to a professional — a therapist, doctor, or psychiatrist. There’s no shame in getting help. Talk therapy is a great way to verbalize and understanding your feelings and what’s contributing to them. Medication can also be a helpful step and may not need to be a permanent solution. Talk to your personal doctor to get more information on whether this is the right approach for you. [Grief Collective is not recommending one particular health treatment and is not a substitution for professional advice]

How to: deep belly breathing

Photo: Fabian Moller

You’ve probably heard the advice “take a deep breath” a hundred times. And it’s true—deep breathing is a simple and effective tool to manage stress, anxiety, and depression. But what you may not know is how to actually breathe deeply.

Let’s try this: take a moment, get comfortable, and take a deep breath. You probably felt your lungs fill up, your chest rise and fall. Maybe you feel a bit more relaxed. This is all great, but according to breath experts (yes, it’s a thing), we can do better.

Most of us breathe from our chests rather than fully engaging our diaphragm, which is just next to our bellies. Breathing all the way into the diaphragm—really filling up on the inhale all the way to the bottom of our stomachs—produces a different physiological response than chest breathing. It can reduce blood pressure, increase the amount of oxygen in your blood, and reduce heart rate, to name a few benefits (of many). Some holistic practitioners also say that this breathing helps root into your core, allowing you to feel more grounded and clear.

Deep belly breathing (also called diaphragmatic breathing) can be a helpful tool in navigating the stress and anxiety associated with loss.

How to do deep belly breathing

Here’s how you can learn to do deep belly breathing on your own (adapted from this tutorial). It may feel a little unnatural at first if you’re like many people who breathe through their chests, but over time you can make it a routine practice. Aim for 3 good breaths in a row.

Disclaimer: If you have a lung condition like COPD or asthma, speak with your healthcare provider before trying any type of breathing exercise. If you feel lightheaded at any time, discontinue the breathing exercise.

Step 1: Get comfortable
You’ll want to start in a comfortable position, sitting or lying down on your back. Your posture should feel relaxed but not slouched.

Step 2: Place a hand on your upper chest
This will help you observe where your breath is really coming from. If you're engaging your diaphragm (deep belly breaths) properly, this hand should remain relatively still as you breathe in and out.

Step 3: Place the other hand below your ribcage
The other hand should rest on your belly, just above your navel. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.

Step 4: Breathe in through your nose
The air going into your nose should move downward so that you feel your stomach rise with your other hand. It’s important not to force your abdominal muscles in the movement, just let your belly fill and expand without straining. The movement (and the airflow) should be smooth. Remember that the hand resting on your chest should remain relatively still. 

5. Breathe out through your mouth
Exhale slowly through slightly open lips, letting your belly relax. You should feel the hand that's over it fall inward as you exhale. Again, don't force the muscles around your stomach inward by squeezing or clenching. The hand on your chest should continue to remain relatively still.

I hope that deep belly breathing can be a useful tool for you to take with you as you navigate the current global situation and any feelings that arise during stressful times associated with grief, loss, anxiety, and depression. Comment below on how it goes for you.

Feelings are for feeling, and other Glennon Doyle wisdom

Photo: Serge Isakhanyen

In the book Untamed, author Glennon Doyle talks about her experience with recovery from addiction. There’s a moment in the book, during her fifth meeting in early sobriety, after she had just shared with the circle that she was struggling. It’s an excerpt that’s not specifically related to loss, but it’s still so relevant to grief:

“After the meeting ended, a woman walked over and sat down next to me. She said, ‘thanks for sharing. I relate. I just want to tell you something that somebody told me in the beginning. It’s okay to feel all of the stuff you’re feeling. You’re just becoming human again. You’re not doing life wrong; you’re doing it right. If there’s any secret you’re missing, it’s that doing it right is just really hard. Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you’re doing it right, and that doing it right hurts sometimes.’

I did not know, before that woman told me, that all feelings were for feeling. I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thought that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring.”

This is what a lot of us have felt when we go through loss—that pain is for fixing. We live in a society that places a premium on happiness, so when we’re going through hard things we get a sense that our feelings are inconvenient, which makes us want to hide, deflect, and bury how we actually feel. This can make grief feel even more isolating - and can sometimes even make the grieving process much more arduous.

They say that many hands make for light work. A huge part of this is finding trusted people who you can open up to, who won’t judge or fault you for your grief. If you aren’t able to find that kind of support in your immediate circles, seeking out a grief support group in person or online can be a helpful step. You can also look into professional support in the form of a grief counselor or a therapist.

It’s important to also note that sometimes burying or deflecting those feelings is the right decision in the moment. Sometimes, we need to put our grief in a box in order to function in the world—to get out of bed or care for our children or do our jobs. In some cases, like with a traumatic loss, it can also be emotionally unsafe to confront those feelings without professional support. It’s always best to talk to a trusted medical professional about the right course of action for your individual situation. Regardless of the reason, it’s important to trust your own process and have grace for yourself and your own personal timelines.

Grief itself is not bad, as painful as it is. The tough reality is no matter how much we try to numb, deflect, hide from, or ignore pain, it will still be present underneath the deflection. If and when it’s safe for you, spending time with your grief can be a cathartic and healing experience. If you have examples to share of leaning into the hard feelings of grief, feel free to leave a comment below.

How meditation can provide support in grief

Photo: JD Mason

“Mindfulness not only makes it possible to survey our internal landscape with compassion and curiosity but can also actively steer us in the right direction for self-care.”

— Bessel A. Van der Kolk

When I first learned about meditation, it was introduced by my college grief counselor. We had spent several sessions talking about my fears and anxieties after losing my dad and how I was having trouble falling asleep, so she emailed me an audio file, and she encouraged me to listen to it as I was getting ready for bed. That night I plugged my headphones into my iPod mini, laid down on my bed, and listened to the 10-minute clip in the darkness.

It started with a woman’s voice speaking slowly and calmly. She instructed me to take three deep breaths. After a few moments of silence, she asked me to draw my attention to my toes and focus on relaxing the muscles while continuing to breathe. After a few moments of focus on my toes, she asked me to draw my attention to my ankles and repeat the same exercise. The voice continued to direct my attention to various parts of my body, all the way up to my head, encouraging deep breaths throughout. By the end of the audio file, I felt more relaxed in my body and my mind, and I was able to fall asleep easily that night.

Meditation comes in many forms. It can be guided or unguided, it can be done walking or seated or lying down, it can be done in a group or on your own. No one approach is better than another—it’s more based on personal preference—but the benefits, especially in grief, are major. This Mayo Clinic article has lots of additional details on the general benefits and different types of meditation, but when it comes to dealing with grief and loss, these are my top reasons:

Help with sleep
A lot of the anxiety I dealt with after my dad’s death peaked when I was getting ready to fall asleep. Suddenly, right as my head hit the pillow, I’d find my thoughts and worries running rampant. Doing meditation right before bed can help your nervous system and brain go into rest mode to better prepare you for sleep. And practicing meditation on a consistent basis can help train your body and brain to access that calm state more easily and frequently throughout the day, which can help prevent the sudden surge of thoughts at night.

Health
I rarely got so much as a cold growing up, but the year after my dad died it seemed like I was sick every other week. Stress can take a toll on your immune system, which can leave you more susceptible to illness. And with grief, especially with anxiety, the stress on your body and nervous system is constant. Your parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest), activated by meditation as well as breathing and other grounding activities, can combat the body’s natural reaction to stress and restore you to a calmer state. Meditation, especially when you’re more prone to stress in a time of loss, can help keep your nervous system from operating in fight-or-flight mode, which wears on the health of your mind and body over time.

The brain-body connection
When we’re stressed, we tend to store tension in our bodies in different ways. Some people are jaw-clenchers, some are shoulder-tensing, a lot of us even store emotion in our hips (it’s a common belief that, dating back to the fetal position, this is our first bodily reaction to stress). Meditation is a great tool to manage the physical symptoms that come along with grief, such as muscle tension, headaches, stomach discomfort, and anxiety-related chest tightness. For me, the guided meditation that focused on areas of the body illuminated where I was storing tension, and it helped me relax and bring more awareness to how I held stress throughout the day.

Existing in the present
When I was in the early days of grief, as I suspect many people can relate to, I spent most of my time thinking about the past, holding onto old memories, wishing I could change things. And when I wasn’t longing for the past, I was worrying about what the future held. Meditation is about focusing on the present moment—what’s here and now. That’s why practices encourage you to focus on your breath or have a mantra you repeat or, in my case with the audio file, focus on relaxing different parts of your body. These methods are meant to bring your attention to things that are tangible with the goal of anchoring you. As hard as it is to acknowledge, we only ever have control over the present moment. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t think about the past or the future, but meditation helps re-center you when you feel yourself getting swept up.

These are just some of my thoughts around where meditation can be useful in a grieving process. What other benefits have you seen with meditation and grief? I’d love to hear.