How to: deep belly breathing

Photo: Fabian Moller

You’ve probably heard the advice “take a deep breath” a hundred times. And it’s true—deep breathing is a simple and effective tool to manage stress, anxiety, and depression. But what you may not know is how to actually breathe deeply.

Let’s try this: take a moment, get comfortable, and take a deep breath. You probably felt your lungs fill up, your chest rise and fall. Maybe you feel a bit more relaxed. This is all great, but according to breath experts (yes, it’s a thing), we can do better.

Most of us breathe from our chests rather than fully engaging our diaphragm, which is just next to our bellies. Breathing all the way into the diaphragm—really filling up on the inhale all the way to the bottom of our stomachs—produces a different physiological response than chest breathing. It can reduce blood pressure, increase the amount of oxygen in your blood, and reduce heart rate, to name a few benefits (of many). Some holistic practitioners also say that this breathing helps root into your core, allowing you to feel more grounded and clear.

Deep belly breathing (also called diaphragmatic breathing) can be a helpful tool in navigating the stress and anxiety associated with loss.

How to do deep belly breathing

Here’s how you can learn to do deep belly breathing on your own (adapted from this tutorial). It may feel a little unnatural at first if you’re like many people who breathe through their chests, but over time you can make it a routine practice. Aim for 3 good breaths in a row.

Disclaimer: If you have a lung condition like COPD or asthma, speak with your healthcare provider before trying any type of breathing exercise. If you feel lightheaded at any time, discontinue the breathing exercise.

Step 1: Get comfortable
You’ll want to start in a comfortable position, sitting or lying down on your back. Your posture should feel relaxed but not slouched.

Step 2: Place a hand on your upper chest
This will help you observe where your breath is really coming from. If you're engaging your diaphragm (deep belly breaths) properly, this hand should remain relatively still as you breathe in and out.

Step 3: Place the other hand below your ribcage
The other hand should rest on your belly, just above your navel. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.

Step 4: Breathe in through your nose
The air going into your nose should move downward so that you feel your stomach rise with your other hand. It’s important not to force your abdominal muscles in the movement, just let your belly fill and expand without straining. The movement (and the airflow) should be smooth. Remember that the hand resting on your chest should remain relatively still. 

5. Breathe out through your mouth
Exhale slowly through slightly open lips, letting your belly relax. You should feel the hand that's over it fall inward as you exhale. Again, don't force the muscles around your stomach inward by squeezing or clenching. The hand on your chest should continue to remain relatively still.

I hope that deep belly breathing can be a useful tool for you to take with you as you navigate the current global situation and any feelings that arise during stressful times associated with grief, loss, anxiety, and depression. Comment below on how it goes for you.

Feelings are for feeling, and other Glennon Doyle wisdom

Photo: Serge Isakhanyen

In the book Untamed, author Glennon Doyle talks about her experience with recovery from addiction. There’s a moment in the book, during her fifth meeting in early sobriety, after she had just shared with the circle that she was struggling. It’s an excerpt that’s not specifically related to loss, but it’s still so relevant to grief:

“After the meeting ended, a woman walked over and sat down next to me. She said, ‘thanks for sharing. I relate. I just want to tell you something that somebody told me in the beginning. It’s okay to feel all of the stuff you’re feeling. You’re just becoming human again. You’re not doing life wrong; you’re doing it right. If there’s any secret you’re missing, it’s that doing it right is just really hard. Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that’s what they’re for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you’re doing it right, and that doing it right hurts sometimes.’

I did not know, before that woman told me, that all feelings were for feeling. I did not know that I was supposed to feel everything. I thought I was supposed to feel happy. I thought that happy was for feeling and that pain was for fixing and numbing and deflecting and hiding and ignoring.”

This is what a lot of us have felt when we go through loss—that pain is for fixing. We live in a society that places a premium on happiness, so when we’re going through hard things we get a sense that our feelings are inconvenient, which makes us want to hide, deflect, and bury how we actually feel. This can make grief feel even more isolating - and can sometimes even make the grieving process much more arduous.

They say that many hands make for light work. A huge part of this is finding trusted people who you can open up to, who won’t judge or fault you for your grief. If you aren’t able to find that kind of support in your immediate circles, seeking out a grief support group in person or online can be a helpful step. You can also look into professional support in the form of a grief counselor or a therapist.

It’s important to also note that sometimes burying or deflecting those feelings is the right decision in the moment. Sometimes, we need to put our grief in a box in order to function in the world—to get out of bed or care for our children or do our jobs. In some cases, like with a traumatic loss, it can also be emotionally unsafe to confront those feelings without professional support. It’s always best to talk to a trusted medical professional about the right course of action for your individual situation. Regardless of the reason, it’s important to trust your own process and have grace for yourself and your own personal timelines.

Grief itself is not bad, as painful as it is. The tough reality is no matter how much we try to numb, deflect, hide from, or ignore pain, it will still be present underneath the deflection. If and when it’s safe for you, spending time with your grief can be a cathartic and healing experience. If you have examples to share of leaning into the hard feelings of grief, feel free to leave a comment below.

How meditation can provide support in grief

Photo: JD Mason

“Mindfulness not only makes it possible to survey our internal landscape with compassion and curiosity but can also actively steer us in the right direction for self-care.”

— Bessel A. Van der Kolk

When I first learned about meditation, it was introduced by my college grief counselor. We had spent several sessions talking about my fears and anxieties after losing my dad and how I was having trouble falling asleep, so she emailed me an audio file, and she encouraged me to listen to it as I was getting ready for bed. That night I plugged my headphones into my iPod mini, laid down on my bed, and listened to the 10-minute clip in the darkness.

It started with a woman’s voice speaking slowly and calmly. She instructed me to take three deep breaths. After a few moments of silence, she asked me to draw my attention to my toes and focus on relaxing the muscles while continuing to breathe. After a few moments of focus on my toes, she asked me to draw my attention to my ankles and repeat the same exercise. The voice continued to direct my attention to various parts of my body, all the way up to my head, encouraging deep breaths throughout. By the end of the audio file, I felt more relaxed in my body and my mind, and I was able to fall asleep easily that night.

Meditation comes in many forms. It can be guided or unguided, it can be done walking or seated or lying down, it can be done in a group or on your own. No one approach is better than another—it’s more based on personal preference—but the benefits, especially in grief, are major. This Mayo Clinic article has lots of additional details on the general benefits and different types of meditation, but when it comes to dealing with grief and loss, these are my top reasons:

Help with sleep
A lot of the anxiety I dealt with after my dad’s death peaked when I was getting ready to fall asleep. Suddenly, right as my head hit the pillow, I’d find my thoughts and worries running rampant. Doing meditation right before bed can help your nervous system and brain go into rest mode to better prepare you for sleep. And practicing meditation on a consistent basis can help train your body and brain to access that calm state more easily and frequently throughout the day, which can help prevent the sudden surge of thoughts at night.

Health
I rarely got so much as a cold growing up, but the year after my dad died it seemed like I was sick every other week. Stress can take a toll on your immune system, which can leave you more susceptible to illness. And with grief, especially with anxiety, the stress on your body and nervous system is constant. Your parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest), activated by meditation as well as breathing and other grounding activities, can combat the body’s natural reaction to stress and restore you to a calmer state. Meditation, especially when you’re more prone to stress in a time of loss, can help keep your nervous system from operating in fight-or-flight mode, which wears on the health of your mind and body over time.

The brain-body connection
When we’re stressed, we tend to store tension in our bodies in different ways. Some people are jaw-clenchers, some are shoulder-tensing, a lot of us even store emotion in our hips (it’s a common belief that, dating back to the fetal position, this is our first bodily reaction to stress). Meditation is a great tool to manage the physical symptoms that come along with grief, such as muscle tension, headaches, stomach discomfort, and anxiety-related chest tightness. For me, the guided meditation that focused on areas of the body illuminated where I was storing tension, and it helped me relax and bring more awareness to how I held stress throughout the day.

Existing in the present
When I was in the early days of grief, as I suspect many people can relate to, I spent most of my time thinking about the past, holding onto old memories, wishing I could change things. And when I wasn’t longing for the past, I was worrying about what the future held. Meditation is about focusing on the present moment—what’s here and now. That’s why practices encourage you to focus on your breath or have a mantra you repeat or, in my case with the audio file, focus on relaxing different parts of your body. These methods are meant to bring your attention to things that are tangible with the goal of anchoring you. As hard as it is to acknowledge, we only ever have control over the present moment. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t think about the past or the future, but meditation helps re-center you when you feel yourself getting swept up.

These are just some of my thoughts around where meditation can be useful in a grieving process. What other benefits have you seen with meditation and grief? I’d love to hear.

How to talk to someone who's grieving

Photo: @reo

If you’re the friend, family member, colleague, etc. of someone who’s grieving—welcome. You’re already taking a caring step in trying to learn more about how to understand your loved one. It can be vulnerable and even scary to approach someone in the throes of difficult emotions, but it will mean so much to them when you do. Here are some tips for navigating this time.

just try

The first step in talking to the grieving person in your life (let’s call them GPIYL from here on out) is to do it. That might seem a little obvious but it’s actually not uncommon for people to shy away from other people’s difficult emotions and just say nothing. Saying nothing is one of the worst things you can do, especially if the GPIYL is someone you’re close to. Just trying is a step that will mean so much to your loved one.

be Thoughtful, curious

If it’s the first time you’re talking to the GPIYL, a standard phrase you can say is “I’m so sorry for your loss.” You can also personalize it and say “I’m so sorry about your [insert person/pet they’ve lost].” You can also offer to them that they’re in your thoughts. Another question to ask is a simple “How are you doing?” Allow them to answer honestly, even though the answer is most likely not good.

If you’re writing it, a how-to on writing condolence notes is available here (there’s some advice overlap with this post).

Avoid hurtful phrases

There are a small handful of phrases that have come to be accepted in the grief community as more harmful than helpful, and it’s best to avoid them. Here are a few examples:

• I know how you feel.

• Everything happens for a reason

• At least they’re not in pain.

• You’re never given more than you can handle.

• It was just their time.

• You’ll be okay.

Also remember to be sensitive about religious beliefs. While religion may be comforting to you, if the GPIYL isn’t religious, this can be hurtful.

Tears are normal

There’s a common misconception that mentioning the loss will make the GPIYL upset because you’re “reminding them” of their loss. Two things here are true: 1) Their loss is already front-and-center in their mind, so you’re not reminding them of anything. 2) They may cry, and that’s a totally normal, healthy reaction for a grieving person to have. The best thing you can do for them in those moments is anticipate a tearful reaction and be prepared hold space for them (rather than shifting to a new topic or trying to maneuver out of your own discomfort) — consider bringing tissues. A hug may be appropriate for someone you’re close to. For colleagues, a hand on their arm or shoulder may be a better option. Consider your relationship and how the moment feels to determine the best path.

Follow their lead

The GPIYL may want to share a lot—or they may be more reserved. This is usually dependent on personality, how they’re feeling that day, and setting (for example, if they’re in the office or around a larger group, they may want to be more brief). Pay attention to whether they’re engaged—sharing more about their experience, telling stories—or whether they want to move on—changing the subject, making a joke, etc. Go where it seems they want to go.

Follow up

It’s a wonderful step to acknowledge the GPIYL’s loss early on. It’s even better to continue to acknowledge the loss over time because this is now a permanent part of their life. Recognizing anniversaries and critical milestones like birthdays, mother’s day, father’s day, etc. will go a long way. You can also just ask about the GPIYL’s lost loved one in the course of a normal day. Prompts like “Tell me a story about your dad” or “What was your son like?” can be a thoughtful way to acknowledge their loss as a huge part of their life—as well as honor the person they’ve lost.

Show, don’t tell

You may notice that the phrases “I’m here for you” or “Let me know if you need anything” aren’t in the suggested list. Those aren’t necessarily bad—they show your support—but it leaves the burden on the GPIYL to reach out. What’s * better * is to offer specific ways to help in the form of options. Some examples include:

• “I can bring you dinner next week. Do you prefer lasagna or tacos?”

• “I’ll watch your kids for an afternoon this weekend, which day is better—Saturday or Sunday?”

A note in closing: You might still fear that you’ll say the wrong thing. It’s okay. Do it anyway. People won’t remember what you say - they remember how you made them feel.

How to find a therapist

Talk therapy can be an incredibly helpful experience when navigating grief. A trained professional can listen to your thoughts and feelings, and they can help provide context for your experience as well as advise you on what to do next. Therapists can help with many different areas, from terminal illness to grief and loss to anxiety. Many therapists now offer remote options as well as in-person. We did a whole post on therapy apps as well, which you can check out here.

Here are steps to consider when looking for a therapist:

Determine your budget

If you are like most people who live in the US, there are cost implications to be aware of when considering therapy. Costs can range based on several factors including location, frequency, and insurance coverage. The good news is that many insurance providers cover therapy if it’s in-network or charge a co-pay cost, which could be minimal depending on your insurance. Most of this information can be determined by contacting your insurance company or looking at your benefits website—some even include a search for in-network providers. If you don’t have insurance or prefer not to use it, you can also pay out-of-pocket. It’s not uncommon for out-of-pocket therapy costs to be $100+ per session. If weekly isn’t in your budget, consider working with your therapist to find a schedule that will.

Also note that some therapists offer a sliding scale for payment - this is something to ask about in preliminary conversations. And if these options are all cost prohibitive, therapy apps can be another option (some accept insurance) as well as free or reduced-cost therapy through HRSA.

Search for therapists

The next step is to actually find a few options for therapists to contact. A great starting point is Psychology Today’s therapist finder, where you can search by location and filter or search by specialty. You’ll want to look for someone with grief experience to get the most relevant training. If you’re starting with a search through an insurance provider, specialties and experience are usually listed, but you may have to go to the therapist’s website to learn more. Most of these search engines will also show whether the therapist is taking new clients.

Learn as much as you can about your potential options to help narrow it down. Read bios and review credentials to get a better sense of their experience and approach. Once you’ve found a few that resonate with you, you can reach out using their contact information. Let them know you’re interested in therapy as a new patient, and they should be able to take it from there.

Assess if they're a good fit for you

A good thing to know going in is that not every therapist will be a good fit. This is why it’s also helpful to have a few options narrowed down before contacting—in case one just doesn’t feel right. The relationship you have with your therapist will be an important one, where you should feel a sense of trust, openness, and non-judgment. Many therapists recommend a preliminary phone call or session to get a sense of whether it’s a fit for you both before committing to a longer arrangement, but this is also something you can request (note that this may have an associated cost). Feel free to ask them questions about their approach, what they look for in clients, their views on any topics that are important to you (e.g. religion, medication, etc.). Take note of how you feel talking to them. You may be nervous if it’s your first time, but do you feel respected? Heard? As much as you can, try to go with your gut.

get on a schedule

Once you’ve found a therapist and confirmed their fit, the typical next step is scheduling. You can work with the therapist to determine frequency, day and time, and iron out other details. There may be some paperwork involved and if you’re using an insurance provider you will need to provide your insurance information. Also take note of their policies so you’re aware (information-sharing, cancellation fees, holidays). Once you’ve started seeing your therapist regularly, you’ll get a better feel for their style. The first few sessions may feel awkward. You’ll often be asked to provide lots of background information early on so they can better understand how to support you. You can decide how much you want to share. The therapist may or may not take notes, and they may ask some follow-up questions as you go along.

evaluate over time

After you’ve been seeing your therapist regularly, you’ll have a better idea of fit and how much therapy is helping you overall. It’s not uncommon for it to take multiple sessions for therapy to feel more comfortable and helpful, and it’s good to have realistic expectations going in. Your therapist won’t be able to solve all of your problems, but they should be able to help you feel less alone, provide strategies for coping with the big emotions, and offer perspective on your thoughts in a way that helps you process.

As time goes on, you will have a better sense of your therapy needs. You may find that you want to increase or decrease the frequency of sessions. You may want to see if your therapist offers longer sessions. You may even get to a point where you feel okay without therapy — or where it’s not the right fit for your life anymore. On the other hand, you may find that things aren’t flowing well and sessions aren’t feeling as helpful. In any of these situations, it’s best to speak with your therapist and let them know what you’re thinking. At the end of the day, therapy should be a helpful tool for you - and if you find that isn’t the case for whatever reason, it’s okay to change things up.

5 Books on Grief

Photo: MJ Franklin / Mashable

Reading can be a helpful way to process grief, whether it’s through narratives of others who’ve gone through something similar or how-to’s that unpack all the big feelings of grief.

Here are five books that may help in your grief. What books have helped you process? Let me know in the comments below.

1. Tiny Beautiful Things

By Cheryl Strayed, On Amazon

I’ve mentioned this one before in my Personal Story post, but this book has by far had the greatest impact on my understanding of grief. It’s a collection of advice columns written by Cheryl Strayed who, at the time, went by the alias Sugar. Her advice is poignant, at times even poetic. She’s firm without being harsh, each response crafted with empathy and wisdom from her years of experience dealing with grief and trauma. Just know that not every column is about grief, but the ones that are have incredible insight. I recommend starting with The Black Arc of It, The Obliterated Place, and Tiny Beautiful Things.

2. Modern Loss

By Rebecca Soffer and Gabrielle Birkner, On Amazon

I had the privilege of hearing these two wonderful authors speak at an event in Seattle years back. Each of them had lost parents, and the experiences they shared were sad and beautiful and at times even funny. This book, as filled with personality as the authors themselves, features little illustrations and hard truths and written contributions from guests to show a wide array of experiences. Consider this your beginner’s guide to grief.

3. It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too)

By Nora McInerny Purmort, On Amazon

The book description puts it best when it says “This book is for people who have been through some shit.” In her book, Nora (who is from my hometown) talks about her experience losing her husband Aaron to brain cancer after only having a few years together, and how they found joy even in the depths of their grief. Aaron was a well-known designer in the Minneapolis community and was only 35 when he died, leaving behind a memorable obituary that was a testament to his personality, as well as a legacy that Nora carries on to this day. Her book is honest and raw, but it’s also funny and conversational. A must for young widows.

4. Radical Compassion

By Tara Brach, On Amazon

Tara Brach is a clinical psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher whose work I was first introduced to on a meditation retreat. Her book “Radical Acceptance” is a great read for anyone interested in learning about mindfulness and self-acceptance, and her long awaited follow-up, Radical Compassion, applies some of the same concepts to working through grief and trauma. She features her own stories and stories from her meditation students, and her writing (like her meditation audio recordings) is a mixture of calm, insightful, and loving.

5. Wild

By Cheryl Strayed, On Amazon

Okay, not to be a total fangirl here, but Wild is another wonderful book written by Cheryl Strayed. This one is an autobiographical novel about her trek on the Pacific Crest Trail in the wake of her mother’s death. It deals with themes of loss, forgiveness, and self-discovery in the midst of pain. It’s a beautiful testament to our strength and resilience, as well as the power of nature. Fair warning: it may make you want to hike the PCT.