Interview: Bryan Jung of “This is Why”

In our first ever interview, we’re talking to Bryan Jung, creator of the grief website This is Why. Bryan created the site after experiencing his own loss, wanting to create a space for people to share their feelings and experiences with grief anonymously. Today he shares about this creation as well as his own story, his journey with grief, and advice for anyone who’s early in their own grief journey.

Let’s get into it!

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1. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

My name is Bryan Jung. I was born and raised in a suburb near Seattle, Washington, but currently live in Denver, Colorado. I have one older brother, who is three years older, living in Los Angeles, California. My mother is still doing great, living around the Seattle area.

Growing up, I played baseball, basketball, soccer, and golf, and I still love playing any & all sports recreationally. These days, I love to play softball, volleyball, flag football, pickleball, and tennis. Golf is still my top sport today, however. It can definitely be frustrating at times, but I love the challenge and the pursuit of getting better each round.

Whether it is playing instruments, producing and performing music, or listening to all types of genres, music is a big facet of my life. My mother was a piano teacher before I was born and still teaches to this day. There is no doubt I got the music bug from her.

2. What loss or losses first started your journey with grief?

My grief journey started in 2006 when I lost my father at ten years old. However, the origin of the journey really began on November 3rd, 2004. A day I will never forget.

In November 2004, my father, who was a lawyer at the time, was winning in a court case, and the opposing lawyer knew this. On November 3rd, when my father and the opposing lawyer were supposed to appear in court together, the opposing lawyer decided to show up to my father’s office and shoot at him three times with a silenced pistol. One bullet struck my father in the head, leaving him bed-ridden in a coma. As I visited him in the hospital at nine years old, I could not talk to him. He could not move, and the first time he opened his eyes was when he heard my brother and I’s voices. It was the toughest part of my life to see him in this state, especially at such a young age. He fought to survive for 15 hard months until his death in February 2006. It was greatly saddening, but I knew that he was free of pain and in a better place. 

3. What was that time like for you?

It was an incredibly difficult time not only between November 2004 and February 2006, but also the years following. I developed a pretty significant anxiety disorder that I battled up until college. However, thankfully, time was able to heal my body & mind, and I am extremely grateful it does not impact me today.

Looking back, it all felt like a blur as I was just a nine & ten year old trying to navigate this loss, then doing my best to continue having the most normal childhood I could.

It was the strong bond within my family that kept me going each and every day. My mother was, and still is, the strongest person I know. Because of her, my older brother and I never gave up. She constantly found ways to keep our heads up and provide for us. She kept pushing us each and every day, making sure we stayed on the right paths, never veering off. Together, as a family, we were able to overcome every obstacle and get to where we are today.  

Additionally, the support system from friends and neighbors was truly incredible and helped us get through an unbelievably difficult time. I am constantly grateful for what everyone did for our family and I am thankful beyond words each & every day.

4. What first drew you into the grief community? Was there anything that stands out as a watershed moment in your grieving process?

As I got older, I came into a better place both mentally & emotionally and wanted badly to help others who’ve experienced loss at an early age. After college, when I would have a bit more time, I wanted to find a tangible way to help others.

During my research, I came across the United States-based Eluna organization and their nationwide Camp Erin program. I instantly knew it was something I wanted to be involved in.

I volunteered at my first Camp Erin in 2019, and my life was changed. It was such a profound experience to see and help the kids grieve in a safe, friendly environment. It was incredibly special to show them, through words and actions, that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Ever since, I have been wanting to find more opportunities to work with children who have undergone similar circumstances as myself.

5. You started your own endeavor, This is Why. Tell us a little bit about it - and what made you want to create it, and how has it changed your relationship with grief?

This Is Why is a creative platform for individuals who have lost a parent as a child or teenager. I want to provide a safe space for individuals of all ages, with the option of anonymity, to share emotions, thoughts, and experiences. In turn, we can build a community with others who’ve undergone similar circumstances. I want to highlight how past experiences have made us who we are today, spotlighting our resilience and perseverance for more positive and optimistic lives ahead.

As I am not a trained professional in the health space, I make an effort to provide a “layman’s” perspective on learnings that have helped me over the years in the hope that they can help just one person somewhere in the world. I do my best to provide as many resources as possible for others who are going, or have gone through, an early loss.

So far, This Is Why has helped open my eyes to how many incredibly strong, resilient people there are all over this world who have undergone a similar experience. It has been a profound venture so far, and I can’t wait to see where the community goes in the future.

6. What’s been most surprising to you about grief in general?

The most surprising element of grief I’ve found is the complexity of grief. There are so many layers and how it can directly, but also indirectly, affect everyday life. Emotions and phases of life ebb & flow, but it is about doing what you can to live the most fulfilling life possible.

With everything that has happened in my life, I’ve come to learn that every second and every moment cannot, and should not, be taken for granted. Anything can happen in a split second and life can instantly change course forever. I make an effort to not just go through, but conquer each and every day.

7. How do you feel you're different now from the person you were before your loss?

As I was just a young kid when I lost my father, I am significantly more mature and empathetic of others. I am also so grateful for everyone that has helped me get to where I am at today, and I try to show the same level of support to anyone I can, both strangers and those in my inner circle.

I do my best to leverage my internal strength to support everyone around me. I strive to be as vulnerable as possible to help others be more OK with their emotions and thoughts. I love to share my experiences with loss and my anxiety disorder with the hope that someone can gain a bit of strength & hope from my story and life so far.

8. What advice do you have for someone new to the grief world? 

Take things slow, one day at a time. Some days will most definitely be harder than others, but no matter how bleak things may seem, I promise that things do get better over time.

Finding a great support system around you is so critical. Find peers, friends, and family who support you and make you feel good being around them. Love & empathy are contagious.

Take care of yourself. Mental health needs to be an increasing priority in this world, individually but also from a support aspect. Find hobbies and interests that you love that can give you a break from feelings of stress, overwhelm, hurt, or loneliness. Doing anything it takes to find happiness & fulfillment is so incredibly important. 

Do what makes you happy. This life we have is fleeting, and you never know what can happen at any moment. Let’s make the most out of every second we have in this world.

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Thanks so much to Bryan for participating! You can find out more about This is Why at the website, on social at @thisiswhylife and via Linktree.

The Real Stages of Grief, from McSweeny's

Credit: Francesco Cavallini

Originally posted by Janine Annett on McSweeny’s, February 10, 2023

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Denial

The first stage of grief is denial that calories still exist while you are grieving. Either you will have no appetite, or you will eat junk. You will want to eat fried potatoes in some form almost every day. You will eat all the food that your wonderful friends bring you. You will not step on a scale or even attempt to wear any real pants. When you finally give in and buy an air fryer for all the potatoes you want to eat, you have moved on to the “air fried” stage of denial, where you insist you’re eating healthy.

Anger

The next stage is anger that your phone keeps assuming that you want to call or text your loved one who recently died, which is obviously something you can’t do anymore—but you don’t know how to change the setting that is causing this to happen, and you don’t want to delete your loved one’s contact information in your phone. You will be tempted to throw your phone in the toilet. This will result in more anger, and the cycle begins anew.

Bargaining

During the bargaining phase, you realize you can still be on the hunt for a good deal, even when coping with a horrible situation. Did you know Costco sells caskets? Where else can you get four pounds of pretzels and a casket? Want to forgo the casket? Consider cremation. Do you know how much cremation costs? Be prepared for sticker shock. Maybe it’s time to sharpen those haggling skills.

Depression

You will get depressed over how terrible you look because no amount of eye cream, concealer, or eye drops can reduce the puffiness of your eyes. You will desperately want to get a haircut but don’t know how to face the inevitable “Did you have a good holiday season?” chitchat without blurting out, “Actually, my sister died three days before Christmas; Christmas was also my deceased father’s birthday, so it was already a difficult occasion. How was your holiday?” Then you’ll be depressed over making someone else feel depressed. Try to save face by saying, “And how about this weather!? Can you even believe the sun continues to rise each day?”

Media

During this phase of grieving, all books, movies, television shows, songs on the radio, and dog food commercials will make you cry, no matter how stupid or innocuous they may seem. You’ll be flattened by sheer exhaustion and unable to do anything but lie in bed and watch cheesy movies (all of which seem to have Hugh Grant in them for some reason) and cry for several days.

Bean

You will only want to wear clothing from L.L. Bean. You will acquire a very snuggly blanket from L.L. Bean, and you will also purchase flannel sheets because you are still spending a lot of time in bed watching Hugh Grant movies (he’s pretty delightful in Paddington 2).

Prince

You will listen to Prince on repeat, but to be honest, you sometimes do that anyway. Then you remember that your deceased loved one loved Prince too, and before you know it, you’re sobbing to “Raspberry Beret” in the middle of the supermarket. This is your new normal.

Improv

You will be desperate to do something fun and take your mind off things. This will result in an inexplicable compulsion to sign up for an improv comedy class. Yes, and your loved one is still dead, but at least you now know how to pretend to be someone who didn’t just eat two pounds of air-fried potatoes.

Acceptance

You will accept that since you had to travel at the last minute on a very crowded airplane during peak travel/cold/flu/COVID-19 season and the weather was awful, you might come down with a cold, the flu, COVID-19, or all of those things. Also, your credit card bill will be about two thousand dollars higher than you thought, even with that discount casket, but there is nothing to do but accept it and pay the bill.

Small Steps to Move Forward After Loss

Photo: Siebe Warmoeskerken

GUEST POST

The following article was written by Kimberly Hayes. An author bio can be found at the end of this post.

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The experience of losing a cherished person is profoundly difficult, and charting a course for your life in the aftermath can feel overwhelming. Moving onward doesn't mean leaving behind the memory of those you've lost. Here are some small steps to facilitate your journey of healing and help you discover a renewed sense of purpose after loss.

Give yourself space to mourn

Granting yourself the latitude to mourn is essential. Recognize that recovery is a lengthy journey and experiencing an array of emotions, from sorrow to frustration, is completely normal. Contrary to societal pressures to "move on," it’s crucial to give yourself time and space to grieve in a manner that is authentic to you.

Face your emotional reality

Suppressing your emotions may seem easier in the short term, but it can have long-term repercussions on your mental health. Research suggests that confronting your emotions head-on, allowing yourself to feel sadness, resentment, or bewilderment can facilitate a healthier, more holistic healing process.

Leverage your community network

During times of hardship, your friends and family can be an invaluable resource. Sharing your thoughts and emotions with them can significantly lighten your emotional load. Beyond that, your community can also provide different perspectives that might help you process your grief more thoroughly.

Craft a lasting tribute

Creating a lasting tribute for a departed loved one can offer a sense of closure and emotional relief. Options like dedicating a park bench, assembling a photo album, or hosting a memorial event can serve as enduring tokens of the joy and love that individual contributed to your life. These tangible commemorations act as perpetual reminders, helping you celebrate their life while finding peace on your own.

Create a personalized keepsake

Transforming the ashes of a departed loved one into a piece of jewelry offers a unique and tactile way to keep their memory close (EverDear is one company that offers this service). Some companies and artisans also offer the creation of blankets or stuffed animals from a loved one’s clothing. Personalized keepsakes can provide comfort and a constant reminder of the love you shared. For those interested in exploring this option, resources like everdear.co offer ideas and professional services to guide you through the process.

Bring in a furry confidant

Pets can offer emotional solace when human interaction feels too taxing. If you’re an animal lover, consider adopting a pet for emotional support. Whether it’s a dog, cat, or even a smaller animal like a guinea pig, a pet can fill your home with life and positive energy. You can find helpful pet care advice through books, websites, and pet care experts to ensure your new friend receives the best possible care. If taking on a pet full-time isn’t in the cards, many cities also offer volunteer opportunities at animal shelters.

Prioritize Holistic Wellness

Taking care of yourself may fall by the wayside during times of grief, yet it is precisely when self-care is most needed. Engage in activities that contribute to your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Whether it’s practicing mindfulness techniques, getting regular exercise, keeping a journal, or seeking counseling, self-care should be a non-negotiable part of your healing process.

Loss is one of the harshest trials in life, but the actionable steps outlined here can help guide you through the difficult terrain of grief toward deeper purpose and a renewed sense of self. Remember, each journey of recovery is as unique as the individual walking its path. You can use these tools to embark on your own journey at your own pace, while cherishing the memory of those who have passed on.

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Kimberly Hayes enjoys writing about health and wellness and created Public Health Alert to help keep the public informed about the latest developments in popular health issues and concerns.

Sources: Cognitive Psychiatry of Chapel Hill, Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, Matthew Funeral Home, Pets Digest, The Birds World

What happens in the body when you're grieving?

Photo: @nseylubangi

“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score

You may have heard the phrase “the body keeps the score” before, referring to the idea that emotional pain can show up in our bodies in unexpected ways, sometimes long after the initial trauma occurred. Grief is similar. When a person is experiencing grief, it can take more than an emotional toll—it can also put the body under stress in the short and long term.

First, let’s start with why our bodies react to grief:

Increased stress hormones
Stress hormones like cortisol on their own are a normal part of life. When in balance, Cortisol helps stabilize blood sugar, manage inflammation, and regulate blood pressure, to name a few of its important jobs. But grief, like any stressful event, can lead to an increase in the production of cortisol, and this can result in changes to your body that make you tired, anxious, or sick.

Trauma
In his book The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel A. Van der Kolk concluded that traumatic events imprint on people physically as well as emotionally, leading to lingering physical symptoms long after the traumatic event occurred. This conclusion is accepted by several psychologists today and can be true for loss too.

Lifestyle changes
For many people, a loss also comes with new responsibilities and stressors—financial changes, shifts in childcare or parental care, asset management, and more. These new responsibilities can not only contribute to stress (and the hormone response), they can also just mean that a grieving person has less time to try to rest or take care of themselves.

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Here are some common ways the body can react to grief—and some small ways to reduce the impact:

Headaches / body aches
Everyone holds stress in their bodies differently. Some people clench their teeth, which can lead to jaw pain and headaches. Some people tense their shoulders, and others tense their hips or core. Over time, this routine clenching can lead to body aches. Headaches are also common after long bouts of crying.
Consider: staying hydrated, noticing clenching or tension in the moment and releasing with a deep breath, light stretching

Energy levels
The body's energy levels may fluctuate, with some people feeling fatigued and others experiencing restlessness or insomnia.
Consider: limiting excess caffeine, resting when you can, finding a restful activity to fall asleep (like reading a book or listening to calming music), taking a short walk if restless

Decreased immunity
The immune system can also be affected by cortisol changes. The body's ability to fight off infections and heal from injuries may be compromised during this time, so take extra care.
Consider: taking a vitamin or supplement (talk to your doctor), resting when you can

Digestion
Loss of appetite or emotional eating are very normal responses to grief. Sometimes the stress of grief can also cause digestive distress.
Consider: having easy snacks or meals on hand, trying to eat at regular times to support your energy, talking to your doctor if digestive issues are prolonged, not being hard on yourself for emotional eating—it’s normal and it’s okay

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When it comes to grief, it’s normal—even inevitable—to experience physiological changes. It’s important to remember that taking care of yourself when grieving is about more than your emotions; it’s about your health overall. But don’t stress about getting rid of grief-related stress. Just take it day by day, step by step—and reach out to your community and/or health professionals if you need extra support. Your health is worth it.

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Primary sources:
Cleveland Clinic | Harvard Health | Trauma body connection | Bessel A Van der Kolk

Breathwork and grief

Photo: Daniele Levis Palusi

Breathwork is a long-standing practice with ancient roots, and it’s gaining recognition in holistic healing spaces. There are many different approaches to breathwork, but generally it involves manipulating the breath to produce a physiological response in the body, often creating a cathartic emotional release.

Most definitions of “breathwork” differentiate it from general breathing or deep breathing. Instead, it’s a type of rhythmic breathing (e.g. a quick-paced long inhale / short exhale pattern) that is typically taught or practiced in a controlled setting like a yoga studio or holistic practitioner’s office, with an emphasis on processing and releasing emotions.

How does it work?
Breathwork is often taught by an experienced practitioner in a 1:1 or class setting. Participants lie down with eyes closed, usually on a blanket or yoga mat, and begin the breathing pattern as instructed. After a while they will start to feel physical sensations in the body like tingling hands and feet. They may feel cold or feel their fingers tense up. The instructor observes the participants and may at times provide individual support like covering a participant up with a blanket if they seem cold or putting a comforting hand on their shoulder. Music is often played in the background to guide the process.

It’s common for participants to have an emotional response at least once during the breathwork session, and it can feel like purging emotions that felt “stuck” in the body. The class or session length is dependent on the instructor, but after a set amount of time participants are gently guided back to a normal breathing pattern and invited to slowly re-enter the space. Participants often state that they have a feeling of calm and clarity after a session, likely due in part to the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system.

What is the holistic interpretation?
From an alternative medicine perspective, breathwork is said to release emotional blockages by moving qi (or energy) through the body. Memories and emotions that our bodies carry can be released through this process, leaving the participant feeling calmer and lighter.

How might this practice help with grief?
Breathwork can be a supportive practice in navigating difficult, heavy emotions as a result of grief or loss. When navigating grief, our bodies store stress—often for long periods of time—and the prolonged stress or feeling of “fight or flight” can be taxing on the nervous system. A breathwork practice can help with processing some of that stress through the body. Longer term, breathwork may help alleviate “stored” feelings of stress or sadness brought on by loss. Practitioners skilled in breathwork will be able to guide participants through difficult emotions in a session, but finding someone skilled who has experience and sensitivity around grief is recommended.

Please note: This practice may also be better-suited to individuals who have not endured a traumatic loss or who have had more distance from their loss (1 year+). In general, a breathwork practice is not for everyone. If you have health issues or have dealt with significant trauma, breathwork may not be a suitable practice for you. Please contact your doctor to determine if you fit the health criteria.

Resources for learning more

• Holotropic Breathwork (book)

• The Power of Breathwork (book)

• Breathwork overview

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Information in this post was gathered from texts and websites on breathwork and in-person workshop experience.

Disclaimer: Breathwork may not be a suitable practice for all individuals, especially those with health issues or those who have dealt with significant trauma. Grief Collective is not prescribing breathwork practice and recommends that interested readers contact their doctor to learn more about their fit for the practice.

5 ways to help your grieving loved one

Photo: Joanna Kosinska

When a loved one or friend experiences a loss, it’s natural to want to be there for them. Often, people reach out and say “let me know how I can help.” This is thoughtful in theory but can leave the burden on the bereaved person to reach out when they are already feeling overwhelmed. A better way to be supportive is to take action or provide options your friend can choose from. Here are five concrete ideas for ways you can help a loved one in the middle of grief.

1. Organize a meal train.
A common practice when someone is grieving is for people to bring food to that person’s home. Unfortunately, people often end up bringing food at the same time early on, leading to multiple meals that need to be refrigerated or frozen (or worst case if there’s no storage, thrown out). Meal trains are a great way to help organize meal delivery so that early barrage of food drop-offs is avoided. Mealtrain.com is a website that helps streamline the process online. It allows the recipient to provide information about approved drop-off days, food preferences, and interaction preferences (if, for example, they prefer not to chat at drop-off). When people sign up to participate using the link, they can also see what others are bringing, which can prevent an over-abundance of one food category. Tell your loved one that you plan to set up a meal train, ask them for any of their preferences, and do the rest of the coordinating yourself.

2. Organize thank yous.
With meal trains, flowers, cards, and contributions also comes a long list of people to thank. Helping your loved one keep track of the list of gifts from others will alleviate a significant mental burden and make things easier when they have to write thank-you cards in the future. You could also provide them with stationery to reduce the need to go out and shop for cards. You may even offer to help address the cards before they’re sent.

3. Drop off essentials.
One of the last things someone wants to deal with when they’re grieving is having to run out for paper towels, dish soap, or miscellaneous grocery items. Ask them what they need from the store and drop off your delivery at their home. Plan on a no-contact drop-off for the least amount of interruption. It doesn’t hurt to also include a surprise care item or two—like a card and their favorite comfort snack.

4. Volunteer your time.
In the immediate aftermath of a loss, there can be several logistics to iron out. Some examples include coordinating with family members, writing an obituary, and picking up flowers or refreshments for a memorial service. Volunteer a window of time to help unburden your loved one from some of these tasks. Give them a specific time window you’re available (e.g. I’m free all day Sunday—what memorial planning tasks can I take off your hands?) so they don’t have to do much planning and they know how to best use your time.

5. Offer to do childcare or pet care.
Sometimes the most important and most challenging thing a grieving person has to do is take care of themselves. When children or pets are involved, self-care falls even lower in the priority list. Offer to provide childcare or pet care for a specific window of time (e.g. I can babysit/petsit for an afternoon this week—which day is better, Thursday or Wednesday?). Encourage your loved one to use the time to take care of themselves somehow—maybe a haircut or a nap or a walk. Bonus: if you’re sitting in their home, bring them their favorite coffee drink when you arrive and consider doing some cleaning/tidying during your stay so they can come home to a cleaner house.

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At the end of the day, your loved one will be grateful for your support. Sometimes just knowing that you’re available really is enough - but doing something to help them is even better.

What have you done for friends - or loved that friends did to support you?